Ok, what am I supposed to do here?
Being a stay at home dad, has enumerous challenges. After feeding him lunch, I sent my son to wash his hands. He came out of the bathroom, foaming at the mouth. He was smiling and wiping his tongue off on his shirt. I pretty sure he just ate soap. He mouth is FULL of foam.
I knew that getting the Watermelon Hand soap was a bad idea....
How do you ever punish a kid who does stuff like this to HIMSELF?
Monday, November 13, 2006
Apples!
I just spent 45 minutes trying to convince my 5 year old son that a Green Apple (Granny Smith) is still an apple. He is determined that Apples are red, and whatever this green looking thing is, it's not an apple!
"Dad! It's not Apple! Apples Red!"
"Brett, It's still an apple. It's just a green apple"
"No it's not Dad. You a liar!"
"Green Apples are still apples. Apples are all colors. They even have yellow apples"
"Apples are red!"
"Yes, some apples are red. These are green apples"
"I said RED!"
"Just eat your apples Brett."
"I don't have no apples. These things are green."
"They're apples! Just eat them!"
"I'm telling mom on you. You lying"
I swear, I'm losing my mind.....seriously.
"Dad! It's not Apple! Apples Red!"
"Brett, It's still an apple. It's just a green apple"
"No it's not Dad. You a liar!"
"Green Apples are still apples. Apples are all colors. They even have yellow apples"
"Apples are red!"
"Yes, some apples are red. These are green apples"
"I said RED!"
"Just eat your apples Brett."
"I don't have no apples. These things are green."
"They're apples! Just eat them!"
"I'm telling mom on you. You lying"
I swear, I'm losing my mind.....seriously.
My wife is trying to kill me
This is a cry for help! Where is the hotline for abused men?
See, my wife and I know that we will be together "til death do us part".
However, ever since the life insurance kicked in, I think she's been trying to kill me....
They other night, I woke up on the floor, My head hurt REALLY bad. It seems she had shoved me out off bed, and I hit my noggin', on the pointy part of the nightstand. Seems pretty clear to me.
Oh, and she recently made cauliflower for dinner! Need I say more!
Whenever she sees something exciting on TV (like the latest Wonder Mop), she gets so excited that she punches me in the groin - "accidentally". Right!
Oh, and she keeps stealing my boxers and T-shirts....I'm not sure how she plans to kill me that way, but I'm sure she's up to something devious.....
See, my wife and I know that we will be together "til death do us part".
However, ever since the life insurance kicked in, I think she's been trying to kill me....
They other night, I woke up on the floor, My head hurt REALLY bad. It seems she had shoved me out off bed, and I hit my noggin', on the pointy part of the nightstand. Seems pretty clear to me.
Oh, and she recently made cauliflower for dinner! Need I say more!
Whenever she sees something exciting on TV (like the latest Wonder Mop), she gets so excited that she punches me in the groin - "accidentally". Right!
Oh, and she keeps stealing my boxers and T-shirts....I'm not sure how she plans to kill me that way, but I'm sure she's up to something devious.....
Rejected baby names
Here is a list of names for our upcoming baby that my wife has rejected. We still don't know they sex of the baby yet....
If its a boy:
Dr. Ninja McAwesome
James Bond
Fatty Butterpants
Nipples Leroy Jenkins
Jamin Jr.
Jamin 2 :The Revenge
Professor Chaos
Duke (GI Joe reference - Awesome Huh!)
Sergeant Slaughter
Optimus Prime
Bobba Fett
If its a girl:
Storm
Jean Grey
Professor Chaos (girls can be professors too)
Gretchen
Gertrude (Gertie)
Elektra
Princes Leia
If its a boy:
Dr. Ninja McAwesome
James Bond
Fatty Butterpants
Nipples Leroy Jenkins
Jamin Jr.
Jamin 2 :The Revenge
Professor Chaos
Duke (GI Joe reference - Awesome Huh!)
Sergeant Slaughter
Optimus Prime
Bobba Fett
If its a girl:
Storm
Jean Grey
Professor Chaos (girls can be professors too)
Gretchen
Gertrude (Gertie)
Elektra
Princes Leia
Going to the OB/GYN
So a few months ago, I went with my wife to the OB/GYN for the first time...
Let me warn all you guys out there! Don't do it! The OB is a dangerous place!
They have this weird metal thing that looks like a medievil torture device, and you don't want to know where they put it! Yuck!
Then, the Doctor came in and started asking a bunch of questions. Normal Doctors use a tongue depressor, blood pressure cuff, and the ear light thingy.
This twisted, sick lady started lubing up the "torture device"! What a psycho! Then, before I could grab my wife and get her to safety, the Doc through me off guard by asking my wife weird questions about Gas, flatulence, discharge, etc.
I sat there, red faced, sweating, trying by best not to giggle. I mean "flatulence"! Come on! I was dying! She asked if my wife had been gassy lately! That's not fair, I had no chance....
After the Doc left, and my wife was getting dressed, I giggled uncontrollably. Letting it all out, finally! It was at that moment, that my wife proceeded to let me know that while giving birth, most women usually drop a dookie in the delivery room.
At that, I proceeded to fall over, laughing unmercifully, gasping for breath, snorting.....
Women can be cruel......(plus they dookie while giving birth.....he he he)
My camcorder will be rolling to capture the momentous event! Oh, and I'll try to get video of the birth as well.....
Let me warn all you guys out there! Don't do it! The OB is a dangerous place!
They have this weird metal thing that looks like a medievil torture device, and you don't want to know where they put it! Yuck!
Then, the Doctor came in and started asking a bunch of questions. Normal Doctors use a tongue depressor, blood pressure cuff, and the ear light thingy.
This twisted, sick lady started lubing up the "torture device"! What a psycho! Then, before I could grab my wife and get her to safety, the Doc through me off guard by asking my wife weird questions about Gas, flatulence, discharge, etc.
I sat there, red faced, sweating, trying by best not to giggle. I mean "flatulence"! Come on! I was dying! She asked if my wife had been gassy lately! That's not fair, I had no chance....
After the Doc left, and my wife was getting dressed, I giggled uncontrollably. Letting it all out, finally! It was at that moment, that my wife proceeded to let me know that while giving birth, most women usually drop a dookie in the delivery room.
At that, I proceeded to fall over, laughing unmercifully, gasping for breath, snorting.....
Women can be cruel......(plus they dookie while giving birth.....he he he)
My camcorder will be rolling to capture the momentous event! Oh, and I'll try to get video of the birth as well.....
My daughter is more mature than I am.
I often tell me kids to stop goofing off in the store. You'll hear me say at least 5 times on any trip, that "this is NOT a playground!".
The other day, while shopping for leotards (I can't say that word without giggling), I had my 5-year-old inthe cart, and my 7-year-old daughter was not paying attention to me (like usual), so I decided to ditch her! after racing through the racks of clothes, a dead-end in the bra section, and hiding behind a rack of purses, I thought I had lost her.
She ended standing in the middle of the aisle, staring at me ducking behind a big purse. She had her hands on her hips, head cocked to one side, and annouced to the entire store:
The other day, while shopping for leotards (I can't say that word without giggling), I had my 5-year-old inthe cart, and my 7-year-old daughter was not paying attention to me (like usual), so I decided to ditch her! after racing through the racks of clothes, a dead-end in the bra section, and hiding behind a rack of purses, I thought I had lost her.
She ended standing in the middle of the aisle, staring at me ducking behind a big purse. She had her hands on her hips, head cocked to one side, and annouced to the entire store:
"Dad! This is NOT a Playground!"Great, I just HAD to get the cart with the squeeky wheels. Now I have 4 teenage Target employees shaking the heads at me, going "tsk tsk tsk". I've got to get the girl a muzzle....
How to be a Bad Parent!
Ok, so everyone keeps asking me "Jamin, how can I REALLY be such a bad parent like you?"
Well, if you are doing everything you are supposed to do, and following all the rules, you are on the WRONG track. Here is a beginners guide to really screwing up your kids.
Getting rid of that pesky Self Esteem
Kids have TOO much self-esteem these days. They think the world revolves around them. They are happy and well adjusted. They need to be knocked down a peg. Try these tips:
Kids are easily frustrated. This one is fun for the whole family
Nothing keeps a kid on their toes like jumping out from the closet after they have gone to bed...
Remember, these are just he beginner tips, once you have these mastered, you can go on to the Advance course in Bad Parenting.
Well, if you are doing everything you are supposed to do, and following all the rules, you are on the WRONG track. Here is a beginners guide to really screwing up your kids.
Getting rid of that pesky Self Esteem
Kids have TOO much self-esteem these days. They think the world revolves around them. They are happy and well adjusted. They need to be knocked down a peg. Try these tips:
- At least once a day, tell them they suck at something!
- Remind them they are too short to reach things...put their toys way up high!!
- Tell them to make their own lunch...you're to busy.
- When they draw you a picture, critique it, and make them go do it over. THEY HATE THIS! he he he!
Kids are easily frustrated. This one is fun for the whole family
- Tell them that tomorrow is Christmas.
- Tell them their birthday was yesterday and you forgot it. Better luck next year.
- Tell them that when Mommie gets home, she's bringing presents (with this one, you get to see your wife skwerm!)
- De-program the remote, and block all the cartoon channels. Nothing is funnier than watching a kid whine as they flip through 30 channels of news! he he he
- Blind-fold them, spin them around and tell them they can have a cookie if they get to the kitchen in 10 seconds...! (my favorite)
Nothing keeps a kid on their toes like jumping out from the closet after they have gone to bed...
- when they are in the bathtub, turn out the bathroom light!
- Ditch them in the store.
- Go to pick them up and school, and drive away without them...
- Send them out to the backyard to check for prowlers in their PJs.
Remember, these are just he beginner tips, once you have these mastered, you can go on to the Advance course in Bad Parenting.
How to properly endanger your children.
The last 10 years have taught us all the things the could possibly happen to our sweet little angels. Razor blades in Halloween candy, bicycle accidents, kidnappings, playground accidents, skin cancer, and on and on and on.....
In fact, if we followed all the advice we are given, our children would be confined the their beds, with rails, wrapped in bubble wrap, wearing a helmet, blinds shut to prevent harmful UV rays, at least 100 feet from a cell phone less they get radiation poisoning, and wearing SPF 100 sunblock at night....
My grandmother gave me some good advice once when my then 4 year old was climbing on a porch swing. "Let him fall". He's got to learn sometime! If he doesn't fall 2 feet off the swing, he'll never learn to beware of falling... Good advice.
I take my kids to the park on a regular basis. They love it, and I love being "the dragon" who chases them all over the place...
The best part of taking the kids to the park is watching all the other overprotective parents freak out as I teach my 5 year-old son how to properly jump out of a swing and get the greatest distance! They get all paranoid, and tend to hold their kids closer when I'm around. Nothing puts the fear of God into a parent like seeing some dad teach a toddler how to walk across the TOP of the monkey bars! Or how to properly fall from a 10 foot ledge! (bend your kness, and tuck and roll!)
Don't freak out! Your kids NEED to get their knees scrapped, and their head bonked. Thats how they learn. Plus, the look on my wifes face as I demostrate for the kids how to walk on the wrong side of the railing of a bridge without falling in the creek, is PRICELESS!
I recently found out the down side of being a dangerous dad at the park. My son had to sit out during an entire recess at his Pre-K class because he was not sliding down the slide properly. He was running up the slide, and jumping off the ladder. ( I bet he bent his knees when he fell!)
I explained to the teacher that this "improper use of a slide" issue was my fault. I also notified her that he might display other signs of being raised by a "Stay-at-home-dad".
I love being my child's worst influence.
My son recently let out a loud burp at a waiter. When my wife said "What are you supposed to say?" He quickly replied "thank you!" I'm so proud!
In fact, if we followed all the advice we are given, our children would be confined the their beds, with rails, wrapped in bubble wrap, wearing a helmet, blinds shut to prevent harmful UV rays, at least 100 feet from a cell phone less they get radiation poisoning, and wearing SPF 100 sunblock at night....
My grandmother gave me some good advice once when my then 4 year old was climbing on a porch swing. "Let him fall". He's got to learn sometime! If he doesn't fall 2 feet off the swing, he'll never learn to beware of falling... Good advice.
I take my kids to the park on a regular basis. They love it, and I love being "the dragon" who chases them all over the place...
The best part of taking the kids to the park is watching all the other overprotective parents freak out as I teach my 5 year-old son how to properly jump out of a swing and get the greatest distance! They get all paranoid, and tend to hold their kids closer when I'm around. Nothing puts the fear of God into a parent like seeing some dad teach a toddler how to walk across the TOP of the monkey bars! Or how to properly fall from a 10 foot ledge! (bend your kness, and tuck and roll!)
Don't freak out! Your kids NEED to get their knees scrapped, and their head bonked. Thats how they learn. Plus, the look on my wifes face as I demostrate for the kids how to walk on the wrong side of the railing of a bridge without falling in the creek, is PRICELESS!
I recently found out the down side of being a dangerous dad at the park. My son had to sit out during an entire recess at his Pre-K class because he was not sliding down the slide properly. He was running up the slide, and jumping off the ladder. ( I bet he bent his knees when he fell!)
I explained to the teacher that this "improper use of a slide" issue was my fault. I also notified her that he might display other signs of being raised by a "Stay-at-home-dad".
- wedgies
- wet willies
- tendency to jump in puddles
- tackling other children
- throwing rocks for distance
- climbing trees
- farting, burping, and other REALLY FUNNY bodily noises.
I love being my child's worst influence.
My son recently let out a loud burp at a waiter. When my wife said "What are you supposed to say?" He quickly replied "thank you!" I'm so proud!
Things that piss me off!
So, I must have turned 60 this year. Music is too loud, kids are walking on my lawn, and yesterday I noticed that my pants have creeped up to the middle of my chest...it's kind off nice having pockets under your armpits...very convenient.
But I have noticed that a TON of things pissed me off!
Lets start today with Parent Magazines. These are the magazines that are all over every Doctors office in every state! These magazines seem to think that all "good" parents spend 100% of every day focused on their children. They are action packed with articles about how to govern and plan every aspect of your kids lives. Ugh! That pisses me off. Does it make me a bad parent jsut because I don't setup playdates for my kids?
In fact, I'm not even sure where my son is right now. I hear a TV and furniture crashing over, but no screaming yet, so I assume he's not seriously injured....good enough for me!
Also, these magazines seem to think that Dads are idiots who know NOTHING about children. This might be true for some guys out there, but to assume we are all morons is condescending and ludicrous.
Wait....I hear screaming........
I'm back....He was screaming "Swiper No Swiping!" at the TV. (I hate Dora. That's another article though...check back later on my Dora the Exporer Expose': The evil within)
So while I was on my Throne this morning, I read an article in "BabyTalk" that was sitting in the bathroom (my reading room). The label says "Reception Room copy" and I'm pretty sure my wife stole it from the OB's office last week.
Anyway, it has an entire article explaining why Dad's suck at dealing with the kids. It tells it's readers why Dad's can't remember the size or brand of diapers their babies where, and why they can't get groceries properly. It is 4 pages of crap, dedicated to apologizing for a Dads ineptitude.
So what if I can't rememberr whether to buy the kid size 3T 4T, or 4 regular pants! Who cares.
I'm buying the camo pants, and if they don't fit, well Thats what saftey pins and duct tape are for! Right? Besides, that's why I have a wife, to remember all that junk.
Ok, mothers out there, quick, what size air filter does your A/C unit need? Or what size string do you need for the weed eater? Which kind of oil is in your car right now?
Ha! My air filter is 21" x 19" x 1". That's why you have a husband...
See, it all works out....
But I have noticed that a TON of things pissed me off!
Lets start today with Parent Magazines. These are the magazines that are all over every Doctors office in every state! These magazines seem to think that all "good" parents spend 100% of every day focused on their children. They are action packed with articles about how to govern and plan every aspect of your kids lives. Ugh! That pisses me off. Does it make me a bad parent jsut because I don't setup playdates for my kids?
In fact, I'm not even sure where my son is right now. I hear a TV and furniture crashing over, but no screaming yet, so I assume he's not seriously injured....good enough for me!
Also, these magazines seem to think that Dads are idiots who know NOTHING about children. This might be true for some guys out there, but to assume we are all morons is condescending and ludicrous.
Wait....I hear screaming........
I'm back....He was screaming "Swiper No Swiping!" at the TV. (I hate Dora. That's another article though...check back later on my Dora the Exporer Expose': The evil within)
So while I was on my Throne this morning, I read an article in "BabyTalk" that was sitting in the bathroom (my reading room). The label says "Reception Room copy" and I'm pretty sure my wife stole it from the OB's office last week.
Anyway, it has an entire article explaining why Dad's suck at dealing with the kids. It tells it's readers why Dad's can't remember the size or brand of diapers their babies where, and why they can't get groceries properly. It is 4 pages of crap, dedicated to apologizing for a Dads ineptitude.
So what if I can't rememberr whether to buy the kid size 3T 4T, or 4 regular pants! Who cares.
I'm buying the camo pants, and if they don't fit, well Thats what saftey pins and duct tape are for! Right? Besides, that's why I have a wife, to remember all that junk.
Ok, mothers out there, quick, what size air filter does your A/C unit need? Or what size string do you need for the weed eater? Which kind of oil is in your car right now?
Ha! My air filter is 21" x 19" x 1". That's why you have a husband...
See, it all works out....
Things I should be doing instead of making a blog
Making a Blog is one of the last things on a list of about 50 that I should be doing right now.
So, in honor of all the things I should be doing, I'm going to list them.
If she is reading this, then, ummm, well....
Babe, I MUST do this blog as a part of a class assignment....
(he he he, think she'll buy that? She's not too bright....)
CRAP! She's probably reading this..... I'm in trouble now...
Well, I better go do the dishes and write down all the reasons I love my wife! Which I always do every day around this time!!! I love you babe!
So, in honor of all the things I should be doing, I'm going to list them.
- Doing the dishes
- Cleaning the house.
- Spend quality time with my son
- Working on the business
- Creating a marketing plan
- Cleaning out the shed
- Pulling out the Christmas decorations.
- Making a list of things I should be doing......
- Homework
- Studying
- reading my bible, spending HOURS in prayer....
- Volunteer work...
- Sorting the socks.
- Washing underwear
- Mowing the lawn
- Cleaning off my desk...
If she is reading this, then, ummm, well....
Babe, I MUST do this blog as a part of a class assignment....
(he he he, think she'll buy that? She's not too bright....)
CRAP! She's probably reading this..... I'm in trouble now...
Well, I better go do the dishes and write down all the reasons I love my wife! Which I always do every day around this time!!! I love you babe!
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