We are rolling now! More questions! More Answers.
Today's question is:
When I track what we spend on our kids for Christmas, do I include tax for each item? If so, how can I track that without getting bogged down in the details?
Yes, you should include tax when tracking what you have spent from your budget for each child. Otherwise you WILL overspend. If you have a $20 bill to buy gifts, and see 2 items for $9.99 each, you can't buy them both with that $20 bill. Same theory goes for your budget. Tax is money spent on gifts for that person, and should be deducted from their category. BUT if you go and spend $100 at Target and get a ton of gifts, HOW in the world do you split up the receipt?
The best idea would be to setup an Excel Spreadsheet that woudld do all the calculations for you. You could simply enter the price of each toy under that person's column and it would add in the tax for that item alone and subtract it from that person's Christmas Budget. Seems simple enough.
That is just what I have done. CLICK HERE to download a copy of the Excel spreadsheet. You must have MS Excel 97 or greater. Simply enter in your budget, and then the items you buy.
Rules for using my spreadsheet:
1) Don't spend more than you budget
2) Don't buy ANYTHING on credit.
Or else I will find you, come to your house and kick you in the shins. (Harsh I know, but I must be firm on these points). Please note that I have good shin-kickin' boots!
Friday, December 7, 2007
Ask a Genius! (Part 3)
More questions! They just keep coming in!
Send your "Ask a Genius!" question to recon_ice@yahoo.com
I have three more questions from an anonymous writer.
1. why do husbands think we will have sex with them after they have been grouches all day to us?
I need to answer this is two parts.
First. Men are horn-dogs. Period. It's in our nature. God made us that way for a reason. Imagine if trying to get Men to procreate was like trying to get them to clean out the garage. The human race would be dead in a generation. Sorry ladies, but men MUST be horny for the good of humanity.
Second, and a little more psychoanalytical. The marriage relationship is mutual. The huge benefit is that two people "become one". Meaning they can rely on the other, share secrets, fears, joys, etc. This is intimacy in all it's glory. Intimacy is vital to health. Being able to completely rely on someone else completely, makes you stronger as a person.
Stick with me here. People feel love in different ways. For some, it's physical, (a touch, holding hangs, hug, etc.) for others its a thoughtful gift, or it could be words spoken, or just time spent together. You show love the way you want to get it. And the chances are that your spouse is different, and shows love the way he wants to get it.
Moving along. A wife provides her husband with support. The one person in the world who will always have his back, and stick with him no matter what. (There are exceptions, I know.) On those days when the whole world is out to get you, at least your wife is on your side. It is especially on those days that a man is the grouchiest and in the worst mood. At the close of the day, he might just turn to his wife for comfort. Sometimes physical.
You probably wouldn't expect a man to say "Honey, can I talk with you about my emotional turmoil?".
Psychobabble aside, men also know that the more you ask, the more often you get a yes. It worked with dating. The more girls you ask, the better your odds of a yes. Just basic statistics!
2. why can't guys pee with the toilet seat (not lid) down. seriously what's the difference in the circumference of the toilet with the seat up and down? is the aim that bad they can't handle the extra 1/2 in smaller?
Guys can and will. We have been asked not to by our spouses. The circumference does not matter. In fact, there have been studies where when presented with a target, men can and will aim for it. Every time. The problem is "over spray". Women love to bash men for this, BUT try this first:
Put a large bucket in the middle of your living room. From across the room, fill the bucket with a garden hose, without getting any on the carpet, furniture, etc. You will not have a problem hitting the target, but you will definitely notice the effects of "over spray".
With the toilet seat up, the overspray goes on the rim of the bowl and onto the floor. With the seat down, the overspray goes on the part you put your Butt on. So, for the sake of dry butts, men lift the seat.
3. are boogers nutritious? if they aren't i don't see many kids getting sick from it - i mean it's their own mucus? if they are, why is it so disgusting to watch my kids 'knuckle' up and dig one out? at least they don't eat them!
No, they are not nutritious. Sorry. Here's the story on boogers. Your nose pulls in particle from the air to determine their "smell signature". This is called Smelling...Oooh. (Very technical, I know). Imagine after just a few months of constant inhalation of particles, your know would be clogged with them. The nose has an efficient way of cleansing itself. By lining the nasal cavity with mucus, the particles are collect and encased in this mucus. This makes boogers. When the nose begins to fill to capacity (we'll call this Booger overload), the nose triggers an Automatic Spontaneous Ejection Protocol (sneeze), thus clearing the nasal passages. So boogers are made up of stuff the body already has (mucus), and stuff the body smells. Now if you spent hours smelling vitamin C, we might be onto something. More likely you are sniffing something nasty.
Picking is simply a way to keep the nose free between sneezes.
BUT why is watching someone "dig for gold" so nasty? Easy! Consider this. Have you EVER, EVER, in your LIFE see someone stick a finger inside their body and pull something out that WASN'T Nasty? Nope! You haven't. So when a little kid is going to town looking for Magic Nose Goblins, you know that no good can come from this. As a parent, you also know that when the discovery is made, little Magellan is not going to search for a tissue to hold his prize. That little sucker is going in one of three places.
1) On his sister
2) Flicked through the air at some one or some thing.
3) Hidden under a chair, on the wall, or some other place to use later for purposes 1 or 2 (above)
That's it for now! I'm patiently waiting for more questions!
Send your "Ask a Genius!" question to recon_ice@yahoo.com
I have three more questions from an anonymous writer.
1. why do husbands think we will have sex with them after they have been grouches all day to us?
I need to answer this is two parts.
First. Men are horn-dogs. Period. It's in our nature. God made us that way for a reason. Imagine if trying to get Men to procreate was like trying to get them to clean out the garage. The human race would be dead in a generation. Sorry ladies, but men MUST be horny for the good of humanity.
Second, and a little more psychoanalytical. The marriage relationship is mutual. The huge benefit is that two people "become one". Meaning they can rely on the other, share secrets, fears, joys, etc. This is intimacy in all it's glory. Intimacy is vital to health. Being able to completely rely on someone else completely, makes you stronger as a person.
Stick with me here. People feel love in different ways. For some, it's physical, (a touch, holding hangs, hug, etc.) for others its a thoughtful gift, or it could be words spoken, or just time spent together. You show love the way you want to get it. And the chances are that your spouse is different, and shows love the way he wants to get it.
Moving along. A wife provides her husband with support. The one person in the world who will always have his back, and stick with him no matter what. (There are exceptions, I know.) On those days when the whole world is out to get you, at least your wife is on your side. It is especially on those days that a man is the grouchiest and in the worst mood. At the close of the day, he might just turn to his wife for comfort. Sometimes physical.
You probably wouldn't expect a man to say "Honey, can I talk with you about my emotional turmoil?".
Psychobabble aside, men also know that the more you ask, the more often you get a yes. It worked with dating. The more girls you ask, the better your odds of a yes. Just basic statistics!
2. why can't guys pee with the toilet seat (not lid) down. seriously what's the difference in the circumference of the toilet with the seat up and down? is the aim that bad they can't handle the extra 1/2 in smaller?
Guys can and will. We have been asked not to by our spouses. The circumference does not matter. In fact, there have been studies where when presented with a target, men can and will aim for it. Every time. The problem is "over spray". Women love to bash men for this, BUT try this first:
Put a large bucket in the middle of your living room. From across the room, fill the bucket with a garden hose, without getting any on the carpet, furniture, etc. You will not have a problem hitting the target, but you will definitely notice the effects of "over spray".
With the toilet seat up, the overspray goes on the rim of the bowl and onto the floor. With the seat down, the overspray goes on the part you put your Butt on. So, for the sake of dry butts, men lift the seat.
3. are boogers nutritious? if they aren't i don't see many kids getting sick from it - i mean it's their own mucus? if they are, why is it so disgusting to watch my kids 'knuckle' up and dig one out? at least they don't eat them!
No, they are not nutritious. Sorry. Here's the story on boogers. Your nose pulls in particle from the air to determine their "smell signature". This is called Smelling...Oooh. (Very technical, I know). Imagine after just a few months of constant inhalation of particles, your know would be clogged with them. The nose has an efficient way of cleansing itself. By lining the nasal cavity with mucus, the particles are collect and encased in this mucus. This makes boogers. When the nose begins to fill to capacity (we'll call this Booger overload), the nose triggers an Automatic Spontaneous Ejection Protocol (sneeze), thus clearing the nasal passages. So boogers are made up of stuff the body already has (mucus), and stuff the body smells. Now if you spent hours smelling vitamin C, we might be onto something. More likely you are sniffing something nasty.
Picking is simply a way to keep the nose free between sneezes.
BUT why is watching someone "dig for gold" so nasty? Easy! Consider this. Have you EVER, EVER, in your LIFE see someone stick a finger inside their body and pull something out that WASN'T Nasty? Nope! You haven't. So when a little kid is going to town looking for Magic Nose Goblins, you know that no good can come from this. As a parent, you also know that when the discovery is made, little Magellan is not going to search for a tissue to hold his prize. That little sucker is going in one of three places.
1) On his sister
2) Flicked through the air at some one or some thing.
3) Hidden under a chair, on the wall, or some other place to use later for purposes 1 or 2 (above)
That's it for now! I'm patiently waiting for more questions!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Ask a Genius! (Part 2)
As a part of my "Ask a Genius!" series, I will answer all questions sent to me.
(Send questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com)
When I started this, I had one fear. That my cousin, who is probably the only person I know that IS smarter than I am, would send in a question. AND...... Within 2 hours, she sent seven! At least she sent in questions from her daughters. Whew! That could have been messy!
Here are the answers:
Since we don't have a chimney, how does Santa get in the house?--and he
doesn't come through the window or door because they're locked.
When Santa goes to deliver toys to a house with no chimney, a chimney and resulting fireplace magically appear! (See "The Santa Clause - 1994").
Another theory could be that Santa reduces the molecular bonds in his body to close up the distance between the atoms in his body. This would make him small enough to fit through any crevice in a home.
Why does my little miniature dacshund try to bite Gabe and Kelsey, but
let all other kids play with her?
Some say that animals can "sense" tenseness and unease in others. Dogs don't have ESP. However they do pay VERY close attention to body language, and can tell when a person is tense, uneasy, or otherwise acting in a way that could be a threat. This prompts a dog to act aggressively. If the children strolled right past the dog, barely noticing it, the dog probably wouldn't respond aggressively, if at all.
***Disclaimer: Miniature dachshunds are not really dogs.
Why does mom want me to flush the toilet every time I use it? And what
is it with always having to wash my hands?
Pee and Poop stink.
You don't really need to wash your hands. Germs train your immune system. (Although, a bathroom is FULL of little atoms of poop in the air and on every surface, and these atoms get on your hands so that when you touch food, you just put poop on your food. The choice is yours Wash hands = clean food, Dirty hands = poop food).
If I throw this string in the ceiling fan, what will happen?
Something REALLY COOL! The string could be thrown across the room, or wrapped around the motor! For something really awesome, try Jello!
Do you really have to feed your animals every day? What about the
fish?
No, you don't need the feed the animals every day. Animals can go for weeks or months without food depending on the animals body mass, type, and species. Although feeding the dog every day will go a long way to keeping it from digging in the trash.
Feed the fish to the dog. Problem solved.
Here's the ones you never wanted to hear--
Dad, what are tampons?
Tampons are missiles for paper airplanes.
How do you know how big your boobs are going to be? Cause I don't want
small ones or really big ones.
Just check the latest brochure from your nearest plastic surgeon. They can enlarge, reduce, change the shape, move to one side, etc. But little child, do not worry about size. The mere fact that you have boobs, any size, gives you enormous power over men. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility (and gets you out of speeding tickets).
Next question(s)?
(Send questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com)
When I started this, I had one fear. That my cousin, who is probably the only person I know that IS smarter than I am, would send in a question. AND...... Within 2 hours, she sent seven! At least she sent in questions from her daughters. Whew! That could have been messy!
Here are the answers:
Since we don't have a chimney, how does Santa get in the house?--and he
doesn't come through the window or door because they're locked.
When Santa goes to deliver toys to a house with no chimney, a chimney and resulting fireplace magically appear! (See "The Santa Clause - 1994").
Another theory could be that Santa reduces the molecular bonds in his body to close up the distance between the atoms in his body. This would make him small enough to fit through any crevice in a home.
Why does my little miniature dacshund try to bite Gabe and Kelsey, but
let all other kids play with her?
Some say that animals can "sense" tenseness and unease in others. Dogs don't have ESP. However they do pay VERY close attention to body language, and can tell when a person is tense, uneasy, or otherwise acting in a way that could be a threat. This prompts a dog to act aggressively. If the children strolled right past the dog, barely noticing it, the dog probably wouldn't respond aggressively, if at all.
***Disclaimer: Miniature dachshunds are not really dogs.
Why does mom want me to flush the toilet every time I use it? And what
is it with always having to wash my hands?
Pee and Poop stink.
You don't really need to wash your hands. Germs train your immune system. (Although, a bathroom is FULL of little atoms of poop in the air and on every surface, and these atoms get on your hands so that when you touch food, you just put poop on your food. The choice is yours Wash hands = clean food, Dirty hands = poop food).
If I throw this string in the ceiling fan, what will happen?
Something REALLY COOL! The string could be thrown across the room, or wrapped around the motor! For something really awesome, try Jello!
Do you really have to feed your animals every day? What about the
fish?
No, you don't need the feed the animals every day. Animals can go for weeks or months without food depending on the animals body mass, type, and species. Although feeding the dog every day will go a long way to keeping it from digging in the trash.
Feed the fish to the dog. Problem solved.
Here's the ones you never wanted to hear--
Dad, what are tampons?
Tampons are missiles for paper airplanes.
How do you know how big your boobs are going to be? Cause I don't want
small ones or really big ones.
Just check the latest brochure from your nearest plastic surgeon. They can enlarge, reduce, change the shape, move to one side, etc. But little child, do not worry about size. The mere fact that you have boobs, any size, gives you enormous power over men. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility (and gets you out of speeding tickets).
Next question(s)?
Ask a Genius!
Alright, Here is your chance to ask a Genius any question that has been bothering you. (Limited time offer. Subject to rules and restrictions. No Purchase necessary)
Disclaimer: What makes me a genius? Well, because I said I am. You should always take a Genius at his word! Ok, For Seriously though. Genius is a relative term. It might mean IQ level, or someone who's mastered some topic. It may simply mean someone who knows more than you do. My qualification is that I read a LOT. I absorb information like a sponge! This leads me to spout facts uncontrollably similar to Cliff Clavin from Cheers. I know. Everyone hates they guy who thinks he knows everything. :)
So, Ask away! Stump me if you can. OR just ask something that is on your mind. Here are some examples for you NON creative types:
* How do I get free ringtones to my RAZR V3c?
* How can I track where my teenager is?
* How can I make my home PC hacker proof.
* How can I REALLY lose weight?
* What's the deal with Quantum physics anyway?
* How do I qualify for a FHA 203K loan?
* How did YOU end up with such a HOT wife?
* How do I get my child off the XBOX and outside to play?
* Where did I put my keys? Seriously! They were right here!
Send all questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com (or else!)
I'm normally not so nice as to answer every question people ask of me. BUT since you are reading my blog, I guess I can make some exceptions. The offer to answer questions has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact that I have run out of ideas for blog posts. NONE! Where did you get that idea anyway?
Disclaimer: What makes me a genius? Well, because I said I am. You should always take a Genius at his word! Ok, For Seriously though. Genius is a relative term. It might mean IQ level, or someone who's mastered some topic. It may simply mean someone who knows more than you do. My qualification is that I read a LOT. I absorb information like a sponge! This leads me to spout facts uncontrollably similar to Cliff Clavin from Cheers. I know. Everyone hates they guy who thinks he knows everything. :)
So, Ask away! Stump me if you can. OR just ask something that is on your mind. Here are some examples for you NON creative types:
* How do I get free ringtones to my RAZR V3c?
* How can I track where my teenager is?
* How can I make my home PC hacker proof.
* How can I REALLY lose weight?
* What's the deal with Quantum physics anyway?
* How do I qualify for a FHA 203K loan?
* How did YOU end up with such a HOT wife?
* How do I get my child off the XBOX and outside to play?
* Where did I put my keys? Seriously! They were right here!
Send all questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com (or else!)
I'm normally not so nice as to answer every question people ask of me. BUT since you are reading my blog, I guess I can make some exceptions. The offer to answer questions has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact that I have run out of ideas for blog posts. NONE! Where did you get that idea anyway?
Monday, November 5, 2007
Who are we kidding?
Isn't it funny that we have a TON of rules and Laws for how we SHOULD do things, but we don't!
Everyone knows that Fresh vegetables are good for you, but they eat McDonalds for lunch. Everyone knows the speed limit, but just use it as a General Guidline when driving. Everyone knows that watching too much TV is bad for you and your kids, but still watch about a billion hours a week.
For instance. You should brush and floss after every meal. We lie to our dentists and say we do, but in reality....well.....
I just ate my lunch. Leftover hamburger helper, soda, Jello, and a box of Hot Tamale Candy. Yummmy....I'll probably die of a heart attack, but Do I care? Do you think I'm going to the Restroom at work to Floss, Brush, do 50 situps and think happy thoughts? No way!
My day consists of constantly ignore what I SHOULD be doing and then doing what I should NOT be doing.
Yet, we all lie to ourselves and eachother. "You know, you should never trust a car dealer." EVERYONE knows that! But I would guess that if every one of us went to a car lot, we'd be all like "OOOO! Shiny!" and drive away with a car we can't afford, and didn't really need anyway. Not to mention that I KNOW you didn't read all 150 pages of contracts you signed! You simply scanned them, said..."hmmm, yes, this looks good to me..." and just pretended to read it. Don't lie!! I know you! Like the salesman really believed that you read that whole novel, and found it to your legal satisfaction!
Who are we fooling?
Oh yes officer, I couldn't have been doing more than 50! What? 85 you say? NO! I would never do that!
We tell our kids not to lie.... What if we told the truth?
I'm sure it's just me. None of you would EVER lie right?
I'm sure you had a nice lunch of plain salad then flossed, brushed , and stopped at the gym to work out, then drive 40mph home, with your seatbelt on, never talking on the phone, paying very close attention to traffic, used your signal, then spent quality time with your children, taught them a second language, made a nutritious meal of berries and nuts read them each a novel, and then went out and changed your oil, wiper blades, and smoke alarm batteries......right?
Everyone knows that Fresh vegetables are good for you, but they eat McDonalds for lunch. Everyone knows the speed limit, but just use it as a General Guidline when driving. Everyone knows that watching too much TV is bad for you and your kids, but still watch about a billion hours a week.
For instance. You should brush and floss after every meal. We lie to our dentists and say we do, but in reality....well.....
I just ate my lunch. Leftover hamburger helper, soda, Jello, and a box of Hot Tamale Candy. Yummmy....I'll probably die of a heart attack, but Do I care? Do you think I'm going to the Restroom at work to Floss, Brush, do 50 situps and think happy thoughts? No way!
My day consists of constantly ignore what I SHOULD be doing and then doing what I should NOT be doing.
Yet, we all lie to ourselves and eachother. "You know, you should never trust a car dealer." EVERYONE knows that! But I would guess that if every one of us went to a car lot, we'd be all like "OOOO! Shiny!" and drive away with a car we can't afford, and didn't really need anyway. Not to mention that I KNOW you didn't read all 150 pages of contracts you signed! You simply scanned them, said..."hmmm, yes, this looks good to me..." and just pretended to read it. Don't lie!! I know you! Like the salesman really believed that you read that whole novel, and found it to your legal satisfaction!
Who are we fooling?
Oh yes officer, I couldn't have been doing more than 50! What? 85 you say? NO! I would never do that!
We tell our kids not to lie.... What if we told the truth?
You clocked me doing 85? You must have caught me after I slowed down! I gunned it around that slow old lady, and then punched it up to 90 to beat that stupid red light. I've got to get to Target before they close you know! I just got a Target card, and the limit is $500 and I can't WAIT to see how fast I can max it out!
I'm sure it's just me. None of you would EVER lie right?
I'm sure you had a nice lunch of plain salad then flossed, brushed , and stopped at the gym to work out, then drive 40mph home, with your seatbelt on, never talking on the phone, paying very close attention to traffic, used your signal, then spent quality time with your children, taught them a second language, made a nutritious meal of berries and nuts read them each a novel, and then went out and changed your oil, wiper blades, and smoke alarm batteries......right?
A post on Politics? Oh No he didn't!
So here is how the build up to war went down.
Politician #1: "We don't need to go to war. We won't go. They've done nothing to us, plus we have enough problems of our own.
Politician #2: "But sir? Just a little show of force, a few bombs, and he'd back down! He doesn't REALLY have all that much power right now! We could fight a little war and do it CHEAP!"
Politician #1: "Nope. It is none of our affair! So he wants to have a bigger Army, and more weapons. Fine. Let him have them. Who are we to say no? We have weapons, let him have weapons? Plus, the people of this country just want peace. Besides invading a sovereign country is just not something that promotes peace"
Politician #2: "Once again Sir, I MUST advise you to do something. This could get really bad, really quick. If we do something now, we can do it cheap. If we wait, then it will be nasty and bloody."
Politician #1: "Fine. We will get with other countries and send them a strongly worded letter. Will that be enough for you? I will NOT go to war, just because you think some guy in another country is bad. Geesh. You are always looking to take this country to war. You probably want to line your pockets with money from defense contractors."
======
1 year Later
======
Politician #2: "Excuse me sir, I hate to interrupt, but your letter didn't work. He said he would stop, but now he is massing his troops on the border of 2 neighboring countries. We need to stop this NOW! Please!"
Politician #1: "That will be enough from you. I have spoke to this man, and he said he is only providing troops to help with their civil unrest. Who are we to call him a liar? Besides, the people have spoken. The don't like war, and don't want to go to war. I won't send troops against a guy who has not attacked us. We are a peaceful country!"
=========
1938
Sept 30 - British Prime Minister Chamberlain (Politician #1) appeases Hitler at Munich.
Oct 15 - German troops occupy the Sudetenland; Czech government resigns.
1939
March 15/16 - Nazis take Czechoslovakia.
Sept 1, - Nazis invade Poland.
Sept 3, - Britain, France, Australia and New Zealand declare war on Germany.
1940
Winston Churchill (Politician #2) becomes British Prime Minister
=============
Killed in WWII
382,600 British soldiers
407,300 American Soldiers
Total Human Loss of Life: 72 million people.
Once Hitler started making the claim of taking over the world, he should have been stamped out immediately. The war could have been quick, done cheaply, with a minimum loss of life. Instead, while trying to "stay out of it" Neville Chamberlain ensured that by the time the British had no choice, BUT to go to war, that it would be a HUGE, bloody mess.
A neat history lesson. What can we learn from it today? We'll we've lost around 3,000 American soldiers. Overthrown a nasty government with the least resistance and lowest cost to life of ANY military conflict in history. History shows us that just ignoring a problem, and appeasing a psycho dictator makes things worse in the long run. Thousands of years of military strategy teach us that striking early, rapidly, and fiercely, can eliminate a target before it becomes too strong to take down.
Seems like it was a wise decision to take on Iraq & Afghanistan. Maybe should take on Iran, and Syria while we're at it.
Nah! We shouldn't be at war! We should stay home. If Iran and Syria want nukes, why should we interfere! And when Hitler wanted to build bombers and tanks, who has the right to tell him no?
That's it. All my opinion. Like it, or hit the back button. I don't care!
:)
-------------------
On a side note, I'm not sure our Military should be the ones entirely responsible for teaching 1,000 year old enemies to get along. They're taught how to shoot, not resolve "Domestic disturbances". They're not doing a bad job, but can't we send a bunch of counselors over there to get the Sunni and Shia to talk out their differences? Hmmm. OH!!! Send Dr. Phil!!!
Politician #1: "We don't need to go to war. We won't go. They've done nothing to us, plus we have enough problems of our own.
Politician #2: "But sir? Just a little show of force, a few bombs, and he'd back down! He doesn't REALLY have all that much power right now! We could fight a little war and do it CHEAP!"
Politician #1: "Nope. It is none of our affair! So he wants to have a bigger Army, and more weapons. Fine. Let him have them. Who are we to say no? We have weapons, let him have weapons? Plus, the people of this country just want peace. Besides invading a sovereign country is just not something that promotes peace"
Politician #2: "Once again Sir, I MUST advise you to do something. This could get really bad, really quick. If we do something now, we can do it cheap. If we wait, then it will be nasty and bloody."
Politician #1: "Fine. We will get with other countries and send them a strongly worded letter. Will that be enough for you? I will NOT go to war, just because you think some guy in another country is bad. Geesh. You are always looking to take this country to war. You probably want to line your pockets with money from defense contractors."
======
1 year Later
======
Politician #2: "Excuse me sir, I hate to interrupt, but your letter didn't work. He said he would stop, but now he is massing his troops on the border of 2 neighboring countries. We need to stop this NOW! Please!"
Politician #1: "That will be enough from you. I have spoke to this man, and he said he is only providing troops to help with their civil unrest. Who are we to call him a liar? Besides, the people have spoken. The don't like war, and don't want to go to war. I won't send troops against a guy who has not attacked us. We are a peaceful country!"
=========
1938
Sept 30 - British Prime Minister Chamberlain (Politician #1) appeases Hitler at Munich.
Oct 15 - German troops occupy the Sudetenland; Czech government resigns.
1939
March 15/16 - Nazis take Czechoslovakia.
Sept 1, - Nazis invade Poland.
Sept 3, - Britain, France, Australia and New Zealand declare war on Germany.
1940
Winston Churchill (Politician #2) becomes British Prime Minister
=============
Killed in WWII
382,600 British soldiers
407,300 American Soldiers
Total Human Loss of Life: 72 million people.
Once Hitler started making the claim of taking over the world, he should have been stamped out immediately. The war could have been quick, done cheaply, with a minimum loss of life. Instead, while trying to "stay out of it" Neville Chamberlain ensured that by the time the British had no choice, BUT to go to war, that it would be a HUGE, bloody mess.
A neat history lesson. What can we learn from it today? We'll we've lost around 3,000 American soldiers. Overthrown a nasty government with the least resistance and lowest cost to life of ANY military conflict in history. History shows us that just ignoring a problem, and appeasing a psycho dictator makes things worse in the long run. Thousands of years of military strategy teach us that striking early, rapidly, and fiercely, can eliminate a target before it becomes too strong to take down.
Seems like it was a wise decision to take on Iraq & Afghanistan. Maybe should take on Iran, and Syria while we're at it.
Nah! We shouldn't be at war! We should stay home. If Iran and Syria want nukes, why should we interfere! And when Hitler wanted to build bombers and tanks, who has the right to tell him no?
That's it. All my opinion. Like it, or hit the back button. I don't care!
:)
-------------------
On a side note, I'm not sure our Military should be the ones entirely responsible for teaching 1,000 year old enemies to get along. They're taught how to shoot, not resolve "Domestic disturbances". They're not doing a bad job, but can't we send a bunch of counselors over there to get the Sunni and Shia to talk out their differences? Hmmm. OH!!! Send Dr. Phil!!!
No Dating till you are 40!
My daughter has taken an interest in all the teenager shows on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. She's only 8! Geesh! I'm not ready for this! She thinks Troy from High School Musical is CUTE! I can threaten local boys, but how do you defend against TV boys?
I suggested taking the TVs out of the house, home schooling her. But OH NO, the wife says
Well, if you've read my previous posts, you know. I am the smartest man alive. I'll keep her from dating until she's 40, or I die. Whichever comes first.
But how? They don't have good ole Convents like they used to. Chaining your child up in the shed is frowned upon....geesh.
I'm a boy, and I know how boys think! I need to keep her as far away from boys as possible! If only I could afford to move the family to the rain forest. Of course then she'd start getting all googly-eyed at native jungle boys! They hardly wear any clothes!
Does anyone know what the housing market is like in Siberia? I hear it's "crisp" this time of year!
I predict turning gray, and having a heart attack before she turns 12.
I tried searching google for a tutorial on building a moat. But OH NO, stupid building code people are so uptight!
I suggested taking the TVs out of the house, home schooling her. But OH NO, the wife says
"Chill out, she's a girl, girls like boys. You can't stop it."
Well, if you've read my previous posts, you know. I am the smartest man alive. I'll keep her from dating until she's 40, or I die. Whichever comes first.
But how? They don't have good ole Convents like they used to. Chaining your child up in the shed is frowned upon....geesh.
I'm a boy, and I know how boys think! I need to keep her as far away from boys as possible! If only I could afford to move the family to the rain forest. Of course then she'd start getting all googly-eyed at native jungle boys! They hardly wear any clothes!
Does anyone know what the housing market is like in Siberia? I hear it's "crisp" this time of year!
I predict turning gray, and having a heart attack before she turns 12.
I tried searching google for a tutorial on building a moat. But OH NO, stupid building code people are so uptight!
The Smartest Man Alive and the Shack!
Ok all you people out there in internet land. You asked for more blogs, and here they are. But if I'm going to blog, you need to do something too. I need some advice from you. If you read this, then leave a comment below. (or else!)
First, you need to understand who I am. Putting all modesty aside, I am the Smartest Man Alive. Seriously, it's kind of creepy. I can absorb knowledge at a tremendous rate. Because of this, I can do anything. If you show me once, or there's a book on it, I can do it. I can understand Global Macroeconomics, build circuit boards from scratch, write code, sew, cook, build stuff, repair cars, write massive essays, etc. When my mother got her Masters in Counseling, I absorbed just about everything on Psychology I could get my hands on.
Why do I learn how to do all this stuff? I don't know, I can't stop! It's like a curse.
Anyway, on to my problem. I want a house. I make less than a part-time teacher, so buying a "big new home" for my family is out of the question, for now at least. I'm also going to school full-time to finally finish my degree. Oh, and I build websites for a side job. Plus I have 3 kids (one of which is a 6 month old). So to say I'm busy is an understatement.
Well, we found a house!! It is on 2 acres of land (in-town), 3000sqft, and has just about everything we want in a house. There's just one tiny little problem. Miniscule really.
The inside is not that great. It looks like a bunch of homeless guys got together and said, "Hey! Let's each build a shack, and hook them together!". I mean seriously, this place is a DUMP! The inside is a maze of add-ons. When we say something is original to the house, we mean original, like Thomas Jefferson probably built one addition! I'm pretty sure there are pre-historic petroglyphs on the foundation! I mean this place is a DUMP! (Did I say that already?)
Now the outside structure looks ok. So I could gut the entire house, re-do the drywall, carpet, make a new kitchen, new bathrooms, move a bunch of walls, redo the plumbing, redo the electric, rebuild 2 portions of the roof, and rebuild an exterior wall that is leaning. Do I know how to do all that? Am I a contractor? Nope. But I am the smartest man alive. I've read the building codes, and have a few books on plumbing and electrical. Should be pretty simple. For me at least. It may take a gallon of blood sweat and tears, but hey! Life isn't easy right?
We could easily have a $180-200K house for only $50K plus $50K of repairs!
Can I do it? Sure I can? (I may have trouble getting the covered wagon out left by the original owners!!!) Should I? That's a lot to put my family through though.....
NOW you see my dilema! I would be over there every night for 6 months, getting it good enough for us to live in. Is it worth the work?
I don't want to put my family through hell, BUT, I don't want to wimp out either......
Did Lewis and Clark say
Did the Eqyptians say
Did Hitler say
Did Ross Say to Rachel
NO! These people actually accomplished something that was hard to do!!! Sure, they might have had a few setbacks along the way..(Normandy invasion, Russia entering the war, Ross thought they were on a break) BUT they actually tried!
Should I do it? Or just cave into to fear, and keep renting?
Your turn to answer now!
First, you need to understand who I am. Putting all modesty aside, I am the Smartest Man Alive. Seriously, it's kind of creepy. I can absorb knowledge at a tremendous rate. Because of this, I can do anything. If you show me once, or there's a book on it, I can do it. I can understand Global Macroeconomics, build circuit boards from scratch, write code, sew, cook, build stuff, repair cars, write massive essays, etc. When my mother got her Masters in Counseling, I absorbed just about everything on Psychology I could get my hands on.
Why do I learn how to do all this stuff? I don't know, I can't stop! It's like a curse.
Anyway, on to my problem. I want a house. I make less than a part-time teacher, so buying a "big new home" for my family is out of the question, for now at least. I'm also going to school full-time to finally finish my degree. Oh, and I build websites for a side job. Plus I have 3 kids (one of which is a 6 month old). So to say I'm busy is an understatement.
Well, we found a house!! It is on 2 acres of land (in-town), 3000sqft, and has just about everything we want in a house. There's just one tiny little problem. Miniscule really.
The inside is not that great. It looks like a bunch of homeless guys got together and said, "Hey! Let's each build a shack, and hook them together!". I mean seriously, this place is a DUMP! The inside is a maze of add-ons. When we say something is original to the house, we mean original, like Thomas Jefferson probably built one addition! I'm pretty sure there are pre-historic petroglyphs on the foundation! I mean this place is a DUMP! (Did I say that already?)
Now the outside structure looks ok. So I could gut the entire house, re-do the drywall, carpet, make a new kitchen, new bathrooms, move a bunch of walls, redo the plumbing, redo the electric, rebuild 2 portions of the roof, and rebuild an exterior wall that is leaning. Do I know how to do all that? Am I a contractor? Nope. But I am the smartest man alive. I've read the building codes, and have a few books on plumbing and electrical. Should be pretty simple. For me at least. It may take a gallon of blood sweat and tears, but hey! Life isn't easy right?
We could easily have a $180-200K house for only $50K plus $50K of repairs!
Can I do it? Sure I can? (I may have trouble getting the covered wagon out left by the original owners!!!) Should I? That's a lot to put my family through though.....
NOW you see my dilema! I would be over there every night for 6 months, getting it good enough for us to live in. Is it worth the work?
I don't want to put my family through hell, BUT, I don't want to wimp out either......
Did Lewis and Clark say
"Explore the Lousiana Territy? Gee, I don't know, that's a lot of work, and we'd be gone for a long time, and it would take up all my evenings...plus, what if we get lost?"
Did the Eqyptians say
A pyra-what? Are you crazy? You know how long it would take?! When coudl we move in? After we die you say? Geesh, I don't know...
Did Hitler say
Invade Austria, Poland, AND France? Gee, that's a lot of work. I could invade one country, but three? At the same time? What if I invade France, and find out Belgium, the Netherlands, and who knows what else need to be invaded? When would I have time to finish my degree in Dictatorship?
Did Ross Say to Rachel
Gee, I'd love to start a relationship, but I just bought Ugly Naked Guy's house, and it needs some work, plus, I've got all these dinosaur bones to catalog, then I've got to get married 3 more times....I just don't know if I'm going to have time......
NO! These people actually accomplished something that was hard to do!!! Sure, they might have had a few setbacks along the way..(Normandy invasion, Russia entering the war, Ross thought they were on a break) BUT they actually tried!
Should I do it? Or just cave into to fear, and keep renting?
Your turn to answer now!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Evie Video
This the very first few minutes of Evie's life in the world! She struggled to open her eyes and look at her mommy for the first time!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Evangeline Zoey Miser
Evie is here!
Born: 4/30/2007 3:41pm
6lbs. 10oz. 18 inches
This was just moments after she was born!
As she was crowning, the doctor proclaimed
"She has more hair than her Dad!"
After she came out she let out one loud cry. Only one.
The doctor laid her on Julie's chest, and she sat there quietly looking at her mommy for the first time.
This is her getting cleaned up, weighed, and all the other stuff the nurses do.
This is a picture of the Myah and Brett checking out there new sister! Myah was finally able to hold her!
Here is a picture after mom has dressed her up for her hospital pictures.
Evie likes to sleep on Daddy's chest.
She also loves tto grip onto his fingers.
More pictures to come.... (we have about 80 pictures from the hospital )
Born: 4/30/2007 3:41pm
6lbs. 10oz. 18 inches
This was just moments after she was born!
As she was crowning, the doctor proclaimed"She has more hair than her Dad!"
After she came out she let out one loud cry. Only one.
The doctor laid her on Julie's chest, and she sat there quietly looking at her mommy for the first time.
This is her getting cleaned up, weighed, and all the other stuff the nurses do.
This is a picture of the Myah and Brett checking out there new sister! Myah was finally able to hold her!
Here is a picture after mom has dressed her up for her hospital pictures.
Evie likes to sleep on Daddy's chest.
She also loves tto grip onto his fingers.
More pictures to come.... (we have about 80 pictures from the hospital )
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Evie is Coming
UPDATE:
On April 30th, 2007 at 5:30am Julie is being induced. Evangeline Zoey Miser should be here a few hours after that! We'll keep you posted and post pictures as soon as possible.
Her room is almost ready, we painted it last weekend, and put together all the furniture and toys. This little girl is already spoiled. Grandma is still finishing up covering the Glider, and making curtains. I'll post pics soon for those who want to see.
See the countdown clock to the right --------->
Mommy Update:
Back pain, carpal tunnel, has a cold, feet are swollen, cranky, etc.
Dilated to 1.5cm 50% effaced
Evie Update:
She's kicking less. Actually she's really just squirming. She doesn't have much room. She goes nuts when Julie eats sugar. She likes to tuck her feet under Mommies ribs!
Brett & Myah are getting anxious. During our false alarm, they really pulled together and did all they could to help out and be a BIG brother and sister.
We found some pink camouflage clothes for Evie! Awesome huh! (Will come in real handy if she ever needs to launch a baby assault on a breast cancer rally. Oh, we also found a diaper bag made by JEEP!
Julie's been having contractions. Some just come and go, but about a week ago, they were regular (10 minutes apart, then 8, then 6, then 4). We went to the Hospital, but got sent home.
She's had several contractions since then, but nothing regular.
The hospital will post the baby's pictures on the web once she is born HERE
We are on full scale BabyWatch!!!
Check back soon for more information. If we go to the Hospital, or have any news, I'll post here first.
p.s. I'm compiling a list of people to call when Evie is here. Competition is stiff for the top 5 spots! Send in your bribe now to secure your spot on the contact list!
On April 30th, 2007 at 5:30am Julie is being induced. Evangeline Zoey Miser should be here a few hours after that! We'll keep you posted and post pictures as soon as possible.
Her room is almost ready, we painted it last weekend, and put together all the furniture and toys. This little girl is already spoiled. Grandma is still finishing up covering the Glider, and making curtains. I'll post pics soon for those who want to see.
See the countdown clock to the right --------->
Mommy Update:
Back pain, carpal tunnel, has a cold, feet are swollen, cranky, etc.
Dilated to 1.5cm 50% effaced
Evie Update:
She's kicking less. Actually she's really just squirming. She doesn't have much room. She goes nuts when Julie eats sugar. She likes to tuck her feet under Mommies ribs!
Brett & Myah are getting anxious. During our false alarm, they really pulled together and did all they could to help out and be a BIG brother and sister.
We found some pink camouflage clothes for Evie! Awesome huh! (Will come in real handy if she ever needs to launch a baby assault on a breast cancer rally. Oh, we also found a diaper bag made by JEEP!
Julie's been having contractions. Some just come and go, but about a week ago, they were regular (10 minutes apart, then 8, then 6, then 4). We went to the Hospital, but got sent home.
She's had several contractions since then, but nothing regular.
The hospital will post the baby's pictures on the web once she is born HERE
We are on full scale BabyWatch!!!
Check back soon for more information. If we go to the Hospital, or have any news, I'll post here first.
p.s. I'm compiling a list of people to call when Evie is here. Competition is stiff for the top 5 spots! Send in your bribe now to secure your spot on the contact list!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Keeping your computer safe.
As I am often asked to come over and fix peoples computers, I thought I’d write up a little tech article to address the most common problems.
The Number One reason peoples computers break, or are slow, or any other issue can all be related back to “Computer Security”.
Buy yourself a brand new computer, plug it in, and get on the internet, and within days your PC will be about 90% slower than it was when you pulled it out of the box.
Do you have “Top Secret” data on your PC?
Do you use Quicken,? Quickbooks?
Do you download your bank data?
Do you check your bank balance online?
Do you buy anything online with a credit card?
Pay bills online?
Store your budget on your computer?
Do your taxes on your computer?
Scan in your Birth Certificates? Social Security Cards? Drivers Licenses?
Do you check the box on a website to remember your passwords?
Any one of these things can put your person information at risk.
I have compiled a list of things you should do to keep your PC and your information safe, and keep your PC from slowing down and crashing all the time.
1) NEVER send valuable information via Email! EVER!
Never email anyone your SSN, Account number, or ANY password via email. EVER. Never respond to anyone asking for this information. Email leaves your computer and goes through a number of other public computers before it gets to its destination.
Any of these computers can easily read your message. A hacker can put a program out there that searches emails that come through for words like “Account” “Credit Card Number” “Password” etc. They make copies of messages containing this data.
2) Install a firewall. NOW!
When you first connect your computer to the internet, it will get hit several thousand times with programs called “Port Scanners”. These programs just sit there and scan the net for unprotected PCs. Once you connect, it will find you in a matter of seconds, and load Trojan software on your PC.
This is one reason your brand new, state-of-the-art PC begins to slow down after you connect to the internet.If you can help it, you should never plug your PC directly into your Cable or DSL modem. This puts you directly on the Net with no protection. Buy a cable/DSL router. This will put a barrier between your computer and the net. It doesn’t slow you down at all. You can find one for about $40.00. It will also allow you to connect multiple computers to the internet.
This is called a Hardware firewall.
Second, install a Software Firewall on each PC you have connected to the net. You can find a great FREE firewall here (http://www.personalfirewall.comodo.com/ ). Download it and install it. It will start to ask you if programs are allowed in and out. I
t will soon learn what is OK and what is not.Now you have blocked 99% of the hacking attempts that are coming at you.
3) Get rid of all that Spyware.
When you visit a website, it may put a “cookie” on your PC. A cookie is simply a little file containing information. It may be a simple as your State. This way when you go back to a site, it will know what State you are in.
More often than not, it is a tracking cookie. A program that will track what websites you visit. This data is sent back to the original website. They usually use this data for marketing purposes. If you go to a lot of sport sites, then they may want to show you mostly sports ads.
Some cookies do much more damage.
Most computers I am asked to fix contain about 300 of these Malicious tracking cookies. With each of these cookies talking back to their website via YOUR internet connection, you will see a MUCH slower browsing experience.
Get Rid of them!
One good, FREE, tool is AdAware
(http://www.download.com/3000-2144-10045910.html)
Download it, install it, update it, and run it.
You’ll be surprised how many cookies, etc. you have.This program contains a list of what each of the “bad” cookies looks like. It compares each cookie to its list of known bad cookie, and marks and deletes them. You have the option to update this list. Since they update this list daily, you should run “Check for updates” every time you run it, to make sure you have the latest list. (Just like with a Virus Scanner)Get rid of the spyware/Malware/Adware and your PC will speed up tremendously.Run at least once a month, if not weekly.
You can also set AdAware to run whenever you boot up your computer. Not a bad idea.
4) Install an Anti-Virus
Here is another place you can get free Anti-virus software: http://antivirus.comodo.com/ You should install it, and set it up to check for updates daily, and automatically scan your computer. Also make sure to set it to automatically check your email attachments as well.No Computer should EVER be with out Anti-Virus Software.
5) Keep your PC updated
Occasionally (ok, daily) Microsoft will discover that there is a security hole is Windows, or Internet Explorer, or some other software. They fix the hole and then put out a patch so you can update your computer.
If you are on Windows XP, you can set up your PC to automatically download and install the updates once Microsoft releases them.If you haven’t updated in a while, or ever, then there are probably a TON of security vulnerabilities that every hacker knows about, but you haven’t plugged yet.
Go to http://update.microsoft.com/ It will automatically scan your PC to see if you need updates or patches. After installing these, go back and scan again to see if you need more. Repeat until it says you have every available update.
Now go to Control Panel – Security Center – Automatic UpdatesTurn Automatic Updates on.
6) Passwords
Even if you password protect something, a hacker can easily CRACK your password. A good cracking program will attempt to repeatedly guess your password until it gets it right. For most passwords, this takes only a few seconds. I have done this myself, to check my own password security.
Easy passwords are cracked in the first 10 seconds. Make sure you have a GOOD password.If the word is found in a dictionary or is a person’s name. It will be cracked in seconds.
A cracking program is loaded with dictionarys of words and names. Within seconds it compares your password against this dictionary. Then it starts to try alternatives of those words.
Example: John Smith has a username of Jsmith.
Most likely he will try a password like one of these:
jsmith1
john
sally
sally01
bobby (sons name)
bobby04 (sons name/age)
101595 (Anniversery or Birthday)
fido (dogs name)
cowboys (favorite team name)
Any of these passwords would be cracked in under 10 seconds. Instead consider either a ramdom password (http://www.pctools.com/guides/password/) or misspell a word.
Also, mix upper and lower case, as well as numbers and characters. This might be a better password for John Smith:eyyeLoeVsally95
It is the sentence: I Love Sally with “I” changed to “eye” and misspelled, and Love misspelled. Also, the L and the V are capitalized. The year they were married is added at the end to include numbers.
Plus it is a long password. 15 characters. The longer the better. A 15 character password can last for years before you have to change it. This password earns a BEST security rating from Microsoft’s Password Checker (http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/privacy/password_checker.mspx)
Check out this site to test the strength of your own passwords.
7) SPAM
If you already get a ton of spam, the easiest thing to do is change your email address. I recommend setting up 2 addresses. One for public and one for private.When you are required to give out your email address, use the public one. For all your friends and family, give out your private.
I RARELY check my public email since it will get me a TON of spam. However I get almost NO spam on my private one. You can install any number of spam software, but none of it works perfectly. The BEST bet is to Never give out your private email address to anyone your don’t want to have it.
Simple.
8) Lastly, Be careful when surfing.
Don’t ever give out your information unless you know exactly where it is going and who it is using. Don’t install ANYTHING from the internet unless you know what it is, and have specifically gone to that website to get that software. Be suspicious!
For a further information go here:
http://www.cert.org/homeusers/HomeComputerSecurity/
Country-Fried Pork Meal
A review of my lunch.
So, while looking for Blog topics, I decide to give you a detailed review of my lunch.
(Don’t judge me, you’re the one reading it).
Meal:
1 Frozen Banquet dinner (10.25 OZ)
1 Shasta Kiwi Strawberry
1 After-Lunch Cigarette
Tools:
Plastic Knife, Fork, and Spoon
Shared Lunchroom Microwave
Lighter
1 Legal Sized piece of ruled notepad paper (For use as a napkin)
Frozen Banquet dinner
The box says “Country Fried Pork Meal – Gravy and Breaded Pork Patty with Mashed potatoes and Corn”. Sounds enticing. I immediately notice that the box I pull from the freezer weighs about the same as a paper plate. I seriously doubt this will fill me up.
The front of the box says “KEEP FROZEN COOK THOURGHLY”. I’m not sure how to cook this thing while keeping it frozen, but since this warning is in all capital letters I tend to take it seriously. Also note that beneath the yummy picture on the front in VERY small writing “Serving Suggestion Enlarged to Show Quality”
The Nutrition Facts on the back of the box are as follows:
Serving Size: 1 Meal (One meal for WHO? A newborn? I’ve seen my daughter pack away 4 bowls of Mac & Cheese, and my 5 year old can pack away half a pizza if you let him)
Calories: 420 (is that good or bad? I can’t remember)
Calories from Fat: 210 (half? That can’t be good right?)
Noticeably, the ingredients list is missing. So there is probably no actual pork, potatoes or corn in this thing.
Directions:
I open the box, hungrily read to pop it into the microwave, when I notice the NOTE above the directions.
“Directions developed using 1100 watt microwave oven”
Well. Good for them. How does that help? Am I supposed to know the Wattage rating of my work’s microwave? Dang it! I knew I should always carry my Volt Meter on me!
So, let’s see. One Watt is one Joule of Energy per second. And I seem to remember that Watts = Volts X Amps. So, since the microwave is plugged into a 110V outlet, I know one part of the equation. So how many Amps does this thing use?
Screw it. I’m a rebel. I’ll just wing it and ASSUME that my work’s microwave is the same as the Banquet Laboratory microwave. I like to live life on the edge anyway.
Step 1
Remove film cover from pork patty and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.
Ok, so now I have to slice the plastic off of 2 sections of this 3 section tray. I turn to my handy Plastic fork and begin doing lunch surgery on my little plastic tray.
WARNING: Plastic forks can be surprisingly sharp! I slice my finger in the process. Good thing I didn’t try to become a Doctor!
Now that I have my tray properly dissected, I turn back to the directions. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. How the HELL am I supposed to turn this thing to HIGH? Again, I’m livin on the edge here. I pop it in the microwave and hit 3-0-0 and start. Easy enough.
Step 2 Stir Potatoes.
3 LONG minutes later, I am instructed to remove the tray from the microwave and Stir the potatoes. This is the section of food about half the size of a deck of cards. I stir a mash of white stuff that is the consistency of a snow cone.
Step 3 Microwave an additional 1 minute 45 seconds to 2 minutes 15 seconds. ; let stand 2 minutes. Carefully remove as Product will be hot.
So which is it? 1:45 or 2:15? I rage against the machine and go with an even split of 2 minutes. (less buttons to push).
And why “product will be hot”? Not “Food will be hot” or “Meal will be hot”????
Hmmmm Yummy!
Eating
I take my “Product” back to my desk, the aroma drifting down the hall, tempting my co-workers with my “freshly cooked product”!
The “Pork Patty” does look like a patty, but does not Look or taste anything like pork.
The mashed potatoes look and taste like watery sand.
The corn surprisingly looks and tastes just like plain corn. I count 27 kernels of corn. Two spoonfuls and it’s gone.
Soda
My $0.17 can of Shasta Kiwi Strawberry Artificially Flavored Soda does NOT disappoint. Hmmm. Deliciously Artificial!
After-Lunch Cigarette
“Oh Dark Mother, Once again I suckle at your smoky teat!” (Gunther: Friends)
The cigarette also does not disappoint. Ahhh, Tar building up in my lungs. Now that’s a good lunch.
I’m going now to dig around in my car and hopefully find a Granola bar under my seat, or at least some cardboard to chew on…….
I’m starving!
So, while looking for Blog topics, I decide to give you a detailed review of my lunch.
(Don’t judge me, you’re the one reading it).
Meal:
1 Frozen Banquet dinner (10.25 OZ)
1 Shasta Kiwi Strawberry
1 After-Lunch Cigarette
Tools:
Plastic Knife, Fork, and Spoon
Shared Lunchroom Microwave
Lighter
1 Legal Sized piece of ruled notepad paper (For use as a napkin)
Frozen Banquet dinner
The box says “Country Fried Pork Meal – Gravy and Breaded Pork Patty with Mashed potatoes and Corn”. Sounds enticing. I immediately notice that the box I pull from the freezer weighs about the same as a paper plate. I seriously doubt this will fill me up.
The front of the box says “KEEP FROZEN COOK THOURGHLY”. I’m not sure how to cook this thing while keeping it frozen, but since this warning is in all capital letters I tend to take it seriously. Also note that beneath the yummy picture on the front in VERY small writing “Serving Suggestion Enlarged to Show Quality”
The Nutrition Facts on the back of the box are as follows:
Serving Size: 1 Meal (One meal for WHO? A newborn? I’ve seen my daughter pack away 4 bowls of Mac & Cheese, and my 5 year old can pack away half a pizza if you let him)
Calories: 420 (is that good or bad? I can’t remember)
Calories from Fat: 210 (half? That can’t be good right?)
Noticeably, the ingredients list is missing. So there is probably no actual pork, potatoes or corn in this thing.
Directions:
I open the box, hungrily read to pop it into the microwave, when I notice the NOTE above the directions.
“Directions developed using 1100 watt microwave oven”
Well. Good for them. How does that help? Am I supposed to know the Wattage rating of my work’s microwave? Dang it! I knew I should always carry my Volt Meter on me!
So, let’s see. One Watt is one Joule of Energy per second. And I seem to remember that Watts = Volts X Amps. So, since the microwave is plugged into a 110V outlet, I know one part of the equation. So how many Amps does this thing use?
Screw it. I’m a rebel. I’ll just wing it and ASSUME that my work’s microwave is the same as the Banquet Laboratory microwave. I like to live life on the edge anyway.
Step 1
Remove film cover from pork patty and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.
Ok, so now I have to slice the plastic off of 2 sections of this 3 section tray. I turn to my handy Plastic fork and begin doing lunch surgery on my little plastic tray.
WARNING: Plastic forks can be surprisingly sharp! I slice my finger in the process. Good thing I didn’t try to become a Doctor!
Now that I have my tray properly dissected, I turn back to the directions. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. How the HELL am I supposed to turn this thing to HIGH? Again, I’m livin on the edge here. I pop it in the microwave and hit 3-0-0 and start. Easy enough.
Step 2 Stir Potatoes.
3 LONG minutes later, I am instructed to remove the tray from the microwave and Stir the potatoes. This is the section of food about half the size of a deck of cards. I stir a mash of white stuff that is the consistency of a snow cone.
Step 3 Microwave an additional 1 minute 45 seconds to 2 minutes 15 seconds. ; let stand 2 minutes. Carefully remove as Product will be hot.
So which is it? 1:45 or 2:15? I rage against the machine and go with an even split of 2 minutes. (less buttons to push).
And why “product will be hot”? Not “Food will be hot” or “Meal will be hot”????
Hmmmm Yummy!
Eating
I take my “Product” back to my desk, the aroma drifting down the hall, tempting my co-workers with my “freshly cooked product”!
The “Pork Patty” does look like a patty, but does not Look or taste anything like pork.
The mashed potatoes look and taste like watery sand.
The corn surprisingly looks and tastes just like plain corn. I count 27 kernels of corn. Two spoonfuls and it’s gone.
Soda
My $0.17 can of Shasta Kiwi Strawberry Artificially Flavored Soda does NOT disappoint. Hmmm. Deliciously Artificial!
After-Lunch Cigarette
“Oh Dark Mother, Once again I suckle at your smoky teat!” (Gunther: Friends)
The cigarette also does not disappoint. Ahhh, Tar building up in my lungs. Now that’s a good lunch.
I’m going now to dig around in my car and hopefully find a Granola bar under my seat, or at least some cardboard to chew on…….
I’m starving!
Tomorrow's Lunch:
Banquet Rib-shaped Meat!
The poop and puke affair...
WARNING, if you have a weak stomach, DO NOT READ further!
Seriously. This is gross, but funny.
When I had children, I began keeping a mental list of “Things I never thought I would do”. This list contained things that I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself doing, or saying.
Here are a few items from the top of the list:
“Sniffing a diaper to check for poop”
“Dressing up and having a tea party”
“Sitting in the bathroom for 2 hours, begging a 3 year old to squeeze out JUST ONE TURD for daddy. Please? Just one!”
The list goes on and on (and on and on….)
This list now has a new all-time number one!
“Laughing so hard that I cried, while covered in poop, puke, and wet toilet paper, while continuing to spew chunks all over the bathroom walls.”
( I warned you it was gross).
So, here is what happened.
The roots from the tree in our backyard constantly spreads into our sewer line, clogging the line. This happens about 2-3 times a year. This problem causes the toilets to back up, and eventually back up into the rest of the house (bathtubs, sinks, etc.)
About 3 weeks ago, this problem reared its ugly head once again.
After a trip to the toilet, my wife discovered that she was unable to flush. She spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to unclog the toilet herself with the plunger. Since the problem was with the main sewer line, she was never able to successfully flush.
After finally giving up hope and clearing the mess herself, she reluctantly approached me to come solve the problem.
Now, being the “Man of the house” means that unclogging toilets is a main part of my job description. Like it or not, if it has to be fixed, its up to me to get it done, one way or another.
Unclogging someone else’s toilet is not my idea of a good time. But being the faithful and loving husband I am, I agreed to help. (after a little bit of whining)
The toilet had already overflowed, spilling its contents all over the bathroom floor. My wife had built up a levy system of towels surrounding the affected area to stem the onslaught of fecal matter and wet toilet paper. But, just like New Orleans, this levy system has also broken.
I unknowingly waded into the bathroom in my socks, now soaked.
The water and drained from the toilet, leaving only “hard matter” in the bowl.
STOP.
Before I go on, let me explain. I have a weak stomach. Just a little gag, and I’m on the train to puke town. This is a known fact. My wife is WELL aware of my condition
CONTINUING ON
I tried to back our of the now smelly bathroom. Gagging, I told my wife that I just couldn’t do it. It was just to nasty to try and unclog.
She replied “It HAS to be fixed! I can’t do it. I tried. YOU have to fix it!”.
So, I went back in. I tried to flush, thinking that maybe it would just miraculously fix itself. The bowel and all the “hard matter” overflowed onto the floor and all over my socks.
I had my shirt pulled up over my nose to combat the smell. This tried and true method was not working very well.
My wife began laughing hysterically as I did an unintended “ballerina move” trying to frantically get out of the way of flooding toilet. One glance at the fecal matter on my soaking wet socks, and I immediately threw up! Remember, I had my shirt pulled up over my nose. This meant that my puke went all down the inside of my shirt!
This event caused my wife to fall off the bed, holding her side, wheezing as she went into a full on laughing fit!
I was able to see the situation from her eyes, and began laughing at the mess I had gotten myself into. I tried to get out of the bathroom without touching the floor. I removed my puke soaked shirt, smearing puke all over my head in the process. I continued to puke, through all the laughter and the tears. Since I was frantically trying to exit the bathroom, I was not aiming at the sink or toilet and commenced spewing puke all over the bathrooms walls, cabinets and mirror.
I was finally able to get out of the bathroom. My wife immediately ran from our room, trying to keep a large distance from me. I followed, trying to distance myself from the mess and the mixture of smells.
My brother, sitting on our couch, witnessed my wife and I BOLTING from our bedroom. Me, covered in Poop and puke, and her, laughing hysterically. He had NO IDEA what had just happened, and his curiosity built. He had to go take a peek at the bathroom himself.
Seconds later he also bolted from our room and joined us on the front porch, and commenced puking in the front yard.
His puking caused me to courtesy puke into the grass as well.
We eventually fixed the sewer line and cleaned up the bathroom.
A nasty affair, but now that it’s over, pretty darn funny. Would be even funnier if it wasn’t about me.
Seriously. This is gross, but funny.
When I had children, I began keeping a mental list of “Things I never thought I would do”. This list contained things that I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself doing, or saying.
Here are a few items from the top of the list:
“Sniffing a diaper to check for poop”
“Dressing up and having a tea party”
“Sitting in the bathroom for 2 hours, begging a 3 year old to squeeze out JUST ONE TURD for daddy. Please? Just one!”
The list goes on and on (and on and on….)
This list now has a new all-time number one!
“Laughing so hard that I cried, while covered in poop, puke, and wet toilet paper, while continuing to spew chunks all over the bathroom walls.”
( I warned you it was gross).
So, here is what happened.
The roots from the tree in our backyard constantly spreads into our sewer line, clogging the line. This happens about 2-3 times a year. This problem causes the toilets to back up, and eventually back up into the rest of the house (bathtubs, sinks, etc.)
About 3 weeks ago, this problem reared its ugly head once again.
After a trip to the toilet, my wife discovered that she was unable to flush. She spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to unclog the toilet herself with the plunger. Since the problem was with the main sewer line, she was never able to successfully flush.
After finally giving up hope and clearing the mess herself, she reluctantly approached me to come solve the problem.
Now, being the “Man of the house” means that unclogging toilets is a main part of my job description. Like it or not, if it has to be fixed, its up to me to get it done, one way or another.
Unclogging someone else’s toilet is not my idea of a good time. But being the faithful and loving husband I am, I agreed to help. (after a little bit of whining)
The toilet had already overflowed, spilling its contents all over the bathroom floor. My wife had built up a levy system of towels surrounding the affected area to stem the onslaught of fecal matter and wet toilet paper. But, just like New Orleans, this levy system has also broken.
I unknowingly waded into the bathroom in my socks, now soaked.
The water and drained from the toilet, leaving only “hard matter” in the bowl.
STOP.
Before I go on, let me explain. I have a weak stomach. Just a little gag, and I’m on the train to puke town. This is a known fact. My wife is WELL aware of my condition
CONTINUING ON
I tried to back our of the now smelly bathroom. Gagging, I told my wife that I just couldn’t do it. It was just to nasty to try and unclog.
She replied “It HAS to be fixed! I can’t do it. I tried. YOU have to fix it!”.
So, I went back in. I tried to flush, thinking that maybe it would just miraculously fix itself. The bowel and all the “hard matter” overflowed onto the floor and all over my socks.
I had my shirt pulled up over my nose to combat the smell. This tried and true method was not working very well.
My wife began laughing hysterically as I did an unintended “ballerina move” trying to frantically get out of the way of flooding toilet. One glance at the fecal matter on my soaking wet socks, and I immediately threw up! Remember, I had my shirt pulled up over my nose. This meant that my puke went all down the inside of my shirt!
This event caused my wife to fall off the bed, holding her side, wheezing as she went into a full on laughing fit!
I was able to see the situation from her eyes, and began laughing at the mess I had gotten myself into. I tried to get out of the bathroom without touching the floor. I removed my puke soaked shirt, smearing puke all over my head in the process. I continued to puke, through all the laughter and the tears. Since I was frantically trying to exit the bathroom, I was not aiming at the sink or toilet and commenced spewing puke all over the bathrooms walls, cabinets and mirror.
I was finally able to get out of the bathroom. My wife immediately ran from our room, trying to keep a large distance from me. I followed, trying to distance myself from the mess and the mixture of smells.
My brother, sitting on our couch, witnessed my wife and I BOLTING from our bedroom. Me, covered in Poop and puke, and her, laughing hysterically. He had NO IDEA what had just happened, and his curiosity built. He had to go take a peek at the bathroom himself.
Seconds later he also bolted from our room and joined us on the front porch, and commenced puking in the front yard.
His puking caused me to courtesy puke into the grass as well.
We eventually fixed the sewer line and cleaned up the bathroom.
A nasty affair, but now that it’s over, pretty darn funny. Would be even funnier if it wasn’t about me.
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