Friday, December 7, 2007

Ask a Genius! (Part 4)

We are rolling now! More questions! More Answers.

Today's question is:

When I track what we spend on our kids for Christmas, do I include tax for each item? If so, how can I track that without getting bogged down in the details?

Yes, you should include tax when tracking what you have spent from your budget for each child. Otherwise you WILL overspend. If you have a $20 bill to buy gifts, and see 2 items for $9.99 each, you can't buy them both with that $20 bill. Same theory goes for your budget. Tax is money spent on gifts for that person, and should be deducted from their category. BUT if you go and spend $100 at Target and get a ton of gifts, HOW in the world do you split up the receipt?

The best idea would be to setup an Excel Spreadsheet that woudld do all the calculations for you. You could simply enter the price of each toy under that person's column and it would add in the tax for that item alone and subtract it from that person's Christmas Budget. Seems simple enough.

That is just what I have done. CLICK HERE to download a copy of the Excel spreadsheet. You must have MS Excel 97 or greater. Simply enter in your budget, and then the items you buy.

Rules for using my spreadsheet:
1) Don't spend more than you budget
2) Don't buy ANYTHING on credit.

Or else I will find you, come to your house and kick you in the shins. (Harsh I know, but I must be firm on these points). Please note that I have good shin-kickin' boots!

Ask a Genius! (Part 3)

More questions! They just keep coming in!
Send your "Ask a Genius!" question to recon_ice@yahoo.com


I have three more questions from an anonymous writer.

1. why do husbands think we will have sex with them after they have been grouches all day to us?

I need to answer this is two parts.

First. Men are horn-dogs. Period. It's in our nature. God made us that way for a reason. Imagine if trying to get Men to procreate was like trying to get them to clean out the garage. The human race would be dead in a generation. Sorry ladies, but men MUST be horny for the good of humanity.

Second, and a little more psychoanalytical. The marriage relationship is mutual. The huge benefit is that two people "become one". Meaning they can rely on the other, share secrets, fears, joys, etc. This is intimacy in all it's glory. Intimacy is vital to health. Being able to completely rely on someone else completely, makes you stronger as a person.

Stick with me here. People feel love in different ways. For some, it's physical, (a touch, holding hangs, hug, etc.) for others its a thoughtful gift, or it could be words spoken, or just time spent together. You show love the way you want to get it. And the chances are that your spouse is different, and shows love the way he wants to get it.

Moving along. A wife provides her husband with support. The one person in the world who will always have his back, and stick with him no matter what. (There are exceptions, I know.) On those days when the whole world is out to get you, at least your wife is on your side. It is especially on those days that a man is the grouchiest and in the worst mood. At the close of the day, he might just turn to his wife for comfort. Sometimes physical.

You probably wouldn't expect a man to say "Honey, can I talk with you about my emotional turmoil?".

Psychobabble aside, men also know that the more you ask, the more often you get a yes. It worked with dating. The more girls you ask, the better your odds of a yes. Just basic statistics!



2. why can't guys pee with the toilet seat (not lid) down. seriously what's the difference in the circumference of the toilet with the seat up and down? is the aim that bad they can't handle the extra 1/2 in smaller?


Guys can and will. We have been asked not to by our spouses. The circumference does not matter. In fact, there have been studies where when presented with a target, men can and will aim for it. Every time. The problem is "over spray". Women love to bash men for this, BUT try this first:

Put a large bucket in the middle of your living room. From across the room, fill the bucket with a garden hose, without getting any on the carpet, furniture, etc. You will not have a problem hitting the target, but you will definitely notice the effects of "over spray".

With the toilet seat up, the overspray goes on the rim of the bowl and onto the floor. With the seat down, the overspray goes on the part you put your Butt on. So, for the sake of dry butts, men lift the seat.




3. are boogers nutritious? if they aren't i don't see many kids getting sick from it - i mean it's their own mucus? if they are, why is it so disgusting to watch my kids 'knuckle' up and dig one out? at least they don't eat them!

No, they are not nutritious. Sorry. Here's the story on boogers. Your nose pulls in particle from the air to determine their "smell signature". This is called Smelling...Oooh. (Very technical, I know). Imagine after just a few months of constant inhalation of particles, your know would be clogged with them. The nose has an efficient way of cleansing itself. By lining the nasal cavity with mucus, the particles are collect and encased in this mucus. This makes boogers. When the nose begins to fill to capacity (we'll call this Booger overload), the nose triggers an Automatic Spontaneous Ejection Protocol (sneeze), thus clearing the nasal passages. So boogers are made up of stuff the body already has (mucus), and stuff the body smells. Now if you spent hours smelling vitamin C, we might be onto something. More likely you are sniffing something nasty.

Picking is simply a way to keep the nose free between sneezes.

BUT why is watching someone "dig for gold" so nasty? Easy! Consider this. Have you EVER, EVER, in your LIFE see someone stick a finger inside their body and pull something out that WASN'T Nasty? Nope! You haven't. So when a little kid is going to town looking for Magic Nose Goblins, you know that no good can come from this. As a parent, you also know that when the discovery is made, little Magellan is not going to search for a tissue to hold his prize. That little sucker is going in one of three places.

1) On his sister
2) Flicked through the air at some one or some thing.
3) Hidden under a chair, on the wall, or some other place to use later for purposes 1 or 2 (above)



That's it for now! I'm patiently waiting for more questions!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Ask a Genius! (Part 2)

As a part of my "Ask a Genius!" series, I will answer all questions sent to me.
(Send questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com)

When I started this, I had one fear. That my cousin, who is probably the only person I know that IS smarter than I am, would send in a question. AND...... Within 2 hours, she sent seven! At least she sent in questions from her daughters. Whew! That could have been messy!

Here are the answers:


Since we don't have a chimney, how does Santa get in the house?--and he
doesn't come through the window or door because they're locked.


When Santa goes to deliver toys to a house with no chimney, a chimney and resulting fireplace magically appear! (See "The Santa Clause - 1994").

Another theory could be that Santa reduces the molecular bonds in his body to close up the distance between the atoms in his body. This would make him small enough to fit through any crevice in a home.

Why does my little miniature dacshund try to bite Gabe and Kelsey, but
let all other kids play with her?


Some say that animals can "sense" tenseness and unease in others. Dogs don't have ESP. However they do pay VERY close attention to body language, and can tell when a person is tense, uneasy, or otherwise acting in a way that could be a threat. This prompts a dog to act aggressively. If the children strolled right past the dog, barely noticing it, the dog probably wouldn't respond aggressively, if at all.

***Disclaimer: Miniature dachshunds are not really dogs.


Why does mom want me to flush the toilet every time I use it? And what
is it with always having to wash my hands?


Pee and Poop stink.

You don't really need to wash your hands. Germs train your immune system. (Although, a bathroom is FULL of little atoms of poop in the air and on every surface, and these atoms get on your hands so that when you touch food, you just put poop on your food. The choice is yours Wash hands = clean food, Dirty hands = poop food).

If I throw this string in the ceiling fan, what will happen?

Something REALLY COOL! The string could be thrown across the room, or wrapped around the motor! For something really awesome, try Jello!

Do you really have to feed your animals every day? What about the
fish?


No, you don't need the feed the animals every day. Animals can go for weeks or months without food depending on the animals body mass, type, and species. Although feeding the dog every day will go a long way to keeping it from digging in the trash.

Feed the fish to the dog. Problem solved.


Here's the ones you never wanted to hear--

Dad, what are tampons?


Tampons are missiles for paper airplanes.

How do you know how big your boobs are going to be? Cause I don't want
small ones or really big ones.


Just check the latest brochure from your nearest plastic surgeon. They can enlarge, reduce, change the shape, move to one side, etc. But little child, do not worry about size. The mere fact that you have boobs, any size, gives you enormous power over men. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility (and gets you out of speeding tickets).



Next question(s)?

Ask a Genius!

Alright, Here is your chance to ask a Genius any question that has been bothering you. (Limited time offer. Subject to rules and restrictions. No Purchase necessary)

Disclaimer: What makes me a genius? Well, because I said I am. You should always take a Genius at his word! Ok, For Seriously though. Genius is a relative term. It might mean IQ level, or someone who's mastered some topic. It may simply mean someone who knows more than you do. My qualification is that I read a LOT. I absorb information like a sponge! This leads me to spout facts uncontrollably similar to Cliff Clavin from Cheers. I know. Everyone hates they guy who thinks he knows everything. :)

So, Ask away! Stump me if you can. OR just ask something that is on your mind. Here are some examples for you NON creative types:

* How do I get free ringtones to my RAZR V3c?
* How can I track where my teenager is?
* How can I make my home PC hacker proof.
* How can I REALLY lose weight?
* What's the deal with Quantum physics anyway?
* How do I qualify for a FHA 203K loan?
* How did YOU end up with such a HOT wife?
* How do I get my child off the XBOX and outside to play?
* Where did I put my keys? Seriously! They were right here!

Send all questions to recon_ice@yahoo.com (or else!)

I'm normally not so nice as to answer every question people ask of me. BUT since you are reading my blog, I guess I can make some exceptions. The offer to answer questions has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact that I have run out of ideas for blog posts. NONE! Where did you get that idea anyway?