Keeping your computer safe.

As I am often asked to come over and fix peoples computers, I thought I’d write up a little tech article to address the most common problems.

The Number One reason peoples computers break, or are slow, or any other issue can all be related back to “Computer Security”.

Buy yourself a brand new computer, plug it in, and get on the internet, and within days your PC will be about 90% slower than it was when you pulled it out of the box.

Do you have “Top Secret” data on your PC?

Do you use Quicken,? Quickbooks?
Do you download your bank data?
Do you check your bank balance online?
Do you buy anything online with a credit card?
Pay bills online?
Store your budget on your computer?
Do your taxes on your computer?
Scan in your Birth Certificates? Social Security Cards? Drivers Licenses?
Do you check the box on a website to remember your passwords?

Any one of these things can put your person information at risk.

I have compiled a list of things you should do to keep your PC and your information safe, and keep your PC from slowing down and crashing all the time.

1) NEVER send valuable information via Email! EVER!

Never email anyone your SSN, Account number, or ANY password via email. EVER. Never respond to anyone asking for this information. Email leaves your computer and goes through a number of other public computers before it gets to its destination.

Any of these computers can easily read your message. A hacker can put a program out there that searches emails that come through for words like “Account” “Credit Card Number” “Password” etc. They make copies of messages containing this data.

2) Install a firewall. NOW!

When you first connect your computer to the internet, it will get hit several thousand times with programs called “Port Scanners”. These programs just sit there and scan the net for unprotected PCs. Once you connect, it will find you in a matter of seconds, and load Trojan software on your PC.

This is one reason your brand new, state-of-the-art PC begins to slow down after you connect to the internet.If you can help it, you should never plug your PC directly into your Cable or DSL modem. This puts you directly on the Net with no protection. Buy a cable/DSL router. This will put a barrier between your computer and the net. It doesn’t slow you down at all. You can find one for about $40.00. It will also allow you to connect multiple computers to the internet.

This is called a Hardware firewall.

Second, install a Software Firewall on each PC you have connected to the net. You can find a great FREE firewall here (http://www.personalfirewall.comodo.com/ ). Download it and install it. It will start to ask you if programs are allowed in and out. I

t will soon learn what is OK and what is not.Now you have blocked 99% of the hacking attempts that are coming at you.

3) Get rid of all that Spyware.

When you visit a website, it may put a “cookie” on your PC. A cookie is simply a little file containing information. It may be a simple as your State. This way when you go back to a site, it will know what State you are in.

More often than not, it is a tracking cookie. A program that will track what websites you visit. This data is sent back to the original website. They usually use this data for marketing purposes. If you go to a lot of sport sites, then they may want to show you mostly sports ads.

Some cookies do much more damage.

Most computers I am asked to fix contain about 300 of these Malicious tracking cookies. With each of these cookies talking back to their website via YOUR internet connection, you will see a MUCH slower browsing experience.

Get Rid of them!

One good, FREE, tool is AdAware
(http://www.download.com/3000-2144-10045910.html)
Download it, install it, update it, and run it.

You’ll be surprised how many cookies, etc. you have.This program contains a list of what each of the “bad” cookies looks like. It compares each cookie to its list of known bad cookie, and marks and deletes them. You have the option to update this list. Since they update this list daily, you should run “Check for updates” every time you run it, to make sure you have the latest list. (Just like with a Virus Scanner)Get rid of the spyware/Malware/Adware and your PC will speed up tremendously.Run at least once a month, if not weekly.

You can also set AdAware to run whenever you boot up your computer. Not a bad idea.

4) Install an Anti-Virus

Here is another place you can get free Anti-virus software: http://antivirus.comodo.com/ You should install it, and set it up to check for updates daily, and automatically scan your computer. Also make sure to set it to automatically check your email attachments as well.No Computer should EVER be with out Anti-Virus Software.

5) Keep your PC updated

Occasionally (ok, daily) Microsoft will discover that there is a security hole is Windows, or Internet Explorer, or some other software. They fix the hole and then put out a patch so you can update your computer.

If you are on Windows XP, you can set up your PC to automatically download and install the updates once Microsoft releases them.If you haven’t updated in a while, or ever, then there are probably a TON of security vulnerabilities that every hacker knows about, but you haven’t plugged yet.

Go to http://update.microsoft.com/ It will automatically scan your PC to see if you need updates or patches. After installing these, go back and scan again to see if you need more. Repeat until it says you have every available update.

Now go to Control Panel – Security Center – Automatic UpdatesTurn Automatic Updates on.

6) Passwords

Even if you password protect something, a hacker can easily CRACK your password. A good cracking program will attempt to repeatedly guess your password until it gets it right. For most passwords, this takes only a few seconds. I have done this myself, to check my own password security.

Easy passwords are cracked in the first 10 seconds. Make sure you have a GOOD password.If the word is found in a dictionary or is a person’s name. It will be cracked in seconds.

A cracking program is loaded with dictionarys of words and names. Within seconds it compares your password against this dictionary. Then it starts to try alternatives of those words.

Example: John Smith has a username of Jsmith.

Most likely he will try a password like one of these:

jsmith1
john
sally
sally01
bobby (sons name)
bobby04 (sons name/age)
101595 (Anniversery or Birthday)
fido (dogs name)
cowboys (favorite team name)

Any of these passwords would be cracked in under 10 seconds. Instead consider either a ramdom password (http://www.pctools.com/guides/password/) or misspell a word.

Also, mix upper and lower case, as well as numbers and characters. This might be a better password for John Smith:eyyeLoeVsally95

It is the sentence: I Love Sally with “I” changed to “eye” and misspelled, and Love misspelled. Also, the L and the V are capitalized. The year they were married is added at the end to include numbers.

Plus it is a long password. 15 characters. The longer the better. A 15 character password can last for years before you have to change it. This password earns a BEST security rating from Microsoft’s Password Checker (http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/privacy/password_checker.mspx)

Check out this site to test the strength of your own passwords.

7) SPAM

If you already get a ton of spam, the easiest thing to do is change your email address. I recommend setting up 2 addresses. One for public and one for private.When you are required to give out your email address, use the public one. For all your friends and family, give out your private.

I RARELY check my public email since it will get me a TON of spam. However I get almost NO spam on my private one. You can install any number of spam software, but none of it works perfectly. The BEST bet is to Never give out your private email address to anyone your don’t want to have it.

Simple.

8) Lastly, Be careful when surfing.

Don’t ever give out your information unless you know exactly where it is going and who it is using. Don’t install ANYTHING from the internet unless you know what it is, and have specifically gone to that website to get that software. Be suspicious!

For a further information go here:
http://www.cert.org/homeusers/HomeComputerSecurity/

Country-Fried Pork Meal

A review of my lunch.
So, while looking for Blog topics, I decide to give you a detailed review of my lunch.
(Don’t judge me, you’re the one reading it).


Meal:
1 Frozen Banquet dinner (10.25 OZ)
1 Shasta Kiwi Strawberry
1 After-Lunch Cigarette

Tools:
Plastic Knife, Fork, and Spoon
Shared Lunchroom Microwave
Lighter
1 Legal Sized piece of ruled notepad paper (For use as a napkin)

Frozen Banquet dinner
The box says “Country Fried Pork Meal – Gravy and Breaded Pork Patty with Mashed potatoes and Corn”. Sounds enticing. I immediately notice that the box I pull from the freezer weighs about the same as a paper plate. I seriously doubt this will fill me up.

The front of the box says “KEEP FROZEN COOK THOURGHLY”. I’m not sure how to cook this thing while keeping it frozen, but since this warning is in all capital letters I tend to take it seriously. Also note that beneath the yummy picture on the front in VERY small writing “Serving Suggestion Enlarged to Show Quality”

The Nutrition Facts on the back of the box are as follows:
Serving Size: 1 Meal (One meal for WHO? A newborn? I’ve seen my daughter pack away 4 bowls of Mac & Cheese, and my 5 year old can pack away half a pizza if you let him)
Calories: 420 (is that good or bad? I can’t remember)
Calories from Fat: 210 (half? That can’t be good right?)
Noticeably, the ingredients list is missing. So there is probably no actual pork, potatoes or corn in this thing.

Directions:
I open the box, hungrily read to pop it into the microwave, when I notice the NOTE above the directions.
“Directions developed using 1100 watt microwave oven”
Well. Good for them. How does that help? Am I supposed to know the Wattage rating of my work’s microwave? Dang it! I knew I should always carry my Volt Meter on me!

So, let’s see. One Watt is one Joule of Energy per second. And I seem to remember that Watts = Volts X Amps. So, since the microwave is plugged into a 110V outlet, I know one part of the equation. So how many Amps does this thing use?
Screw it. I’m a rebel. I’ll just wing it and ASSUME that my work’s microwave is the same as the Banquet Laboratory microwave. I like to live life on the edge anyway.

Step 1
Remove film cover from pork patty and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.

Ok, so now I have to slice the plastic off of 2 sections of this 3 section tray. I turn to my handy Plastic fork and begin doing lunch surgery on my little plastic tray.
WARNING: Plastic forks can be surprisingly sharp! I slice my finger in the process. Good thing I didn’t try to become a Doctor!

Now that I have my tray properly dissected, I turn back to the directions. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. How the HELL am I supposed to turn this thing to HIGH? Again, I’m livin on the edge here. I pop it in the microwave and hit 3-0-0 and start. Easy enough.

Step 2 Stir Potatoes.
3 LONG minutes later, I am instructed to remove the tray from the microwave and Stir the potatoes. This is the section of food about half the size of a deck of cards. I stir a mash of white stuff that is the consistency of a snow cone.

Step 3 Microwave an additional 1 minute 45 seconds to 2 minutes 15 seconds. ; let stand 2 minutes. Carefully remove as Product will be hot.

So which is it? 1:45 or 2:15? I rage against the machine and go with an even split of 2 minutes. (less buttons to push).
And why “product will be hot”? Not “Food will be hot” or “Meal will be hot”????

Hmmmm Yummy!

Eating
I take my “Product” back to my desk, the aroma drifting down the hall, tempting my co-workers with my “freshly cooked product”!

The “Pork Patty” does look like a patty, but does not Look or taste anything like pork.
The mashed potatoes look and taste like watery sand.
The corn surprisingly looks and tastes just like plain corn. I count 27 kernels of corn. Two spoonfuls and it’s gone.

Soda
My $0.17 can of Shasta Kiwi Strawberry Artificially Flavored Soda does NOT disappoint. Hmmm. Deliciously Artificial!

After-Lunch Cigarette
“Oh Dark Mother, Once again I suckle at your smoky teat!” (Gunther: Friends)
The cigarette also does not disappoint. Ahhh, Tar building up in my lungs. Now that’s a good lunch.

I’m going now to dig around in my car and hopefully find a Granola bar under my seat, or at least some cardboard to chew on…….

I’m starving!

Tomorrow's Lunch:

Banquet Rib-shaped Meat!

The poop and puke affair...

WARNING, if you have a weak stomach, DO NOT READ further!
Seriously. This is gross, but funny.

When I had children, I began keeping a mental list of “Things I never thought I would do”. This list contained things that I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself doing, or saying.
Here are a few items from the top of the list:
“Sniffing a diaper to check for poop”
“Dressing up and having a tea party”
“Sitting in the bathroom for 2 hours, begging a 3 year old to squeeze out JUST ONE TURD for daddy. Please? Just one!”

The list goes on and on (and on and on….)

This list now has a new all-time number one!
“Laughing so hard that I cried, while covered in poop, puke, and wet toilet paper, while continuing to spew chunks all over the bathroom walls.”
( I warned you it was gross).

So, here is what happened.

The roots from the tree in our backyard constantly spreads into our sewer line, clogging the line. This happens about 2-3 times a year. This problem causes the toilets to back up, and eventually back up into the rest of the house (bathtubs, sinks, etc.)

About 3 weeks ago, this problem reared its ugly head once again.

After a trip to the toilet, my wife discovered that she was unable to flush. She spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to unclog the toilet herself with the plunger. Since the problem was with the main sewer line, she was never able to successfully flush.

After finally giving up hope and clearing the mess herself, she reluctantly approached me to come solve the problem.

Now, being the “Man of the house” means that unclogging toilets is a main part of my job description. Like it or not, if it has to be fixed, its up to me to get it done, one way or another.

Unclogging someone else’s toilet is not my idea of a good time. But being the faithful and loving husband I am, I agreed to help. (after a little bit of whining)

The toilet had already overflowed, spilling its contents all over the bathroom floor. My wife had built up a levy system of towels surrounding the affected area to stem the onslaught of fecal matter and wet toilet paper. But, just like New Orleans, this levy system has also broken.

I unknowingly waded into the bathroom in my socks, now soaked.

The water and drained from the toilet, leaving only “hard matter” in the bowl.

STOP.

Before I go on, let me explain. I have a weak stomach. Just a little gag, and I’m on the train to puke town. This is a known fact. My wife is WELL aware of my condition

CONTINUING ON

I tried to back our of the now smelly bathroom. Gagging, I told my wife that I just couldn’t do it. It was just to nasty to try and unclog.

She replied “It HAS to be fixed! I can’t do it. I tried. YOU have to fix it!”.

So, I went back in. I tried to flush, thinking that maybe it would just miraculously fix itself. The bowel and all the “hard matter” overflowed onto the floor and all over my socks.

I had my shirt pulled up over my nose to combat the smell. This tried and true method was not working very well.

My wife began laughing hysterically as I did an unintended “ballerina move” trying to frantically get out of the way of flooding toilet. One glance at the fecal matter on my soaking wet socks, and I immediately threw up! Remember, I had my shirt pulled up over my nose. This meant that my puke went all down the inside of my shirt!

This event caused my wife to fall off the bed, holding her side, wheezing as she went into a full on laughing fit!

I was able to see the situation from her eyes, and began laughing at the mess I had gotten myself into. I tried to get out of the bathroom without touching the floor. I removed my puke soaked shirt, smearing puke all over my head in the process. I continued to puke, through all the laughter and the tears. Since I was frantically trying to exit the bathroom, I was not aiming at the sink or toilet and commenced spewing puke all over the bathrooms walls, cabinets and mirror.

I was finally able to get out of the bathroom. My wife immediately ran from our room, trying to keep a large distance from me. I followed, trying to distance myself from the mess and the mixture of smells.

My brother, sitting on our couch, witnessed my wife and I BOLTING from our bedroom. Me, covered in Poop and puke, and her, laughing hysterically. He had NO IDEA what had just happened, and his curiosity built. He had to go take a peek at the bathroom himself.

Seconds later he also bolted from our room and joined us on the front porch, and commenced puking in the front yard.

His puking caused me to courtesy puke into the grass as well.

We eventually fixed the sewer line and cleaned up the bathroom.

A nasty affair, but now that it’s over, pretty darn funny. Would be even funnier if it wasn’t about me.