The poop and puke affair...

WARNING, if you have a weak stomach, DO NOT READ further!
Seriously. This is gross, but funny.

When I had children, I began keeping a mental list of “Things I never thought I would do”. This list contained things that I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself doing, or saying.
Here are a few items from the top of the list:
“Sniffing a diaper to check for poop”
“Dressing up and having a tea party”
“Sitting in the bathroom for 2 hours, begging a 3 year old to squeeze out JUST ONE TURD for daddy. Please? Just one!”

The list goes on and on (and on and on….)

This list now has a new all-time number one!
“Laughing so hard that I cried, while covered in poop, puke, and wet toilet paper, while continuing to spew chunks all over the bathroom walls.”
( I warned you it was gross).

So, here is what happened.

The roots from the tree in our backyard constantly spreads into our sewer line, clogging the line. This happens about 2-3 times a year. This problem causes the toilets to back up, and eventually back up into the rest of the house (bathtubs, sinks, etc.)

About 3 weeks ago, this problem reared its ugly head once again.

After a trip to the toilet, my wife discovered that she was unable to flush. She spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to unclog the toilet herself with the plunger. Since the problem was with the main sewer line, she was never able to successfully flush.

After finally giving up hope and clearing the mess herself, she reluctantly approached me to come solve the problem.

Now, being the “Man of the house” means that unclogging toilets is a main part of my job description. Like it or not, if it has to be fixed, its up to me to get it done, one way or another.

Unclogging someone else’s toilet is not my idea of a good time. But being the faithful and loving husband I am, I agreed to help. (after a little bit of whining)

The toilet had already overflowed, spilling its contents all over the bathroom floor. My wife had built up a levy system of towels surrounding the affected area to stem the onslaught of fecal matter and wet toilet paper. But, just like New Orleans, this levy system has also broken.

I unknowingly waded into the bathroom in my socks, now soaked.

The water and drained from the toilet, leaving only “hard matter” in the bowl.

STOP.

Before I go on, let me explain. I have a weak stomach. Just a little gag, and I’m on the train to puke town. This is a known fact. My wife is WELL aware of my condition

CONTINUING ON

I tried to back our of the now smelly bathroom. Gagging, I told my wife that I just couldn’t do it. It was just to nasty to try and unclog.

She replied “It HAS to be fixed! I can’t do it. I tried. YOU have to fix it!”.

So, I went back in. I tried to flush, thinking that maybe it would just miraculously fix itself. The bowel and all the “hard matter” overflowed onto the floor and all over my socks.

I had my shirt pulled up over my nose to combat the smell. This tried and true method was not working very well.

My wife began laughing hysterically as I did an unintended “ballerina move” trying to frantically get out of the way of flooding toilet. One glance at the fecal matter on my soaking wet socks, and I immediately threw up! Remember, I had my shirt pulled up over my nose. This meant that my puke went all down the inside of my shirt!

This event caused my wife to fall off the bed, holding her side, wheezing as she went into a full on laughing fit!

I was able to see the situation from her eyes, and began laughing at the mess I had gotten myself into. I tried to get out of the bathroom without touching the floor. I removed my puke soaked shirt, smearing puke all over my head in the process. I continued to puke, through all the laughter and the tears. Since I was frantically trying to exit the bathroom, I was not aiming at the sink or toilet and commenced spewing puke all over the bathrooms walls, cabinets and mirror.

I was finally able to get out of the bathroom. My wife immediately ran from our room, trying to keep a large distance from me. I followed, trying to distance myself from the mess and the mixture of smells.

My brother, sitting on our couch, witnessed my wife and I BOLTING from our bedroom. Me, covered in Poop and puke, and her, laughing hysterically. He had NO IDEA what had just happened, and his curiosity built. He had to go take a peek at the bathroom himself.

Seconds later he also bolted from our room and joined us on the front porch, and commenced puking in the front yard.

His puking caused me to courtesy puke into the grass as well.

We eventually fixed the sewer line and cleaned up the bathroom.

A nasty affair, but now that it’s over, pretty darn funny. Would be even funnier if it wasn’t about me.