A review of my lunch.
So, while looking for Blog topics, I decide to give you a detailed review of my lunch.
(Don’t judge me, you’re the one reading it).
Meal:
1 Frozen Banquet dinner (10.25 OZ)
1 Shasta Kiwi Strawberry
1 After-Lunch Cigarette
Tools:
Plastic Knife, Fork, and Spoon
Shared Lunchroom Microwave
Lighter
1 Legal Sized piece of ruled notepad paper (For use as a napkin)
Frozen Banquet dinner
The box says “Country Fried Pork Meal – Gravy and Breaded Pork Patty with Mashed potatoes and Corn”. Sounds enticing. I immediately notice that the box I pull from the freezer weighs about the same as a paper plate. I seriously doubt this will fill me up.
The front of the box says “KEEP FROZEN COOK THOURGHLY”. I’m not sure how to cook this thing while keeping it frozen, but since this warning is in all capital letters I tend to take it seriously. Also note that beneath the yummy picture on the front in VERY small writing “Serving Suggestion Enlarged to Show Quality”
The Nutrition Facts on the back of the box are as follows:
Serving Size: 1 Meal (One meal for WHO? A newborn? I’ve seen my daughter pack away 4 bowls of Mac & Cheese, and my 5 year old can pack away half a pizza if you let him)
Calories: 420 (is that good or bad? I can’t remember)
Calories from Fat: 210 (half? That can’t be good right?)
Noticeably, the ingredients list is missing. So there is probably no actual pork, potatoes or corn in this thing.
Directions:
I open the box, hungrily read to pop it into the microwave, when I notice the NOTE above the directions.
“Directions developed using 1100 watt microwave oven”
Well. Good for them. How does that help? Am I supposed to know the Wattage rating of my work’s microwave? Dang it! I knew I should always carry my Volt Meter on me!
So, let’s see. One Watt is one Joule of Energy per second. And I seem to remember that Watts = Volts X Amps. So, since the microwave is plugged into a 110V outlet, I know one part of the equation. So how many Amps does this thing use?
Screw it. I’m a rebel. I’ll just wing it and ASSUME that my work’s microwave is the same as the Banquet Laboratory microwave. I like to live life on the edge anyway.
Step 1
Remove film cover from pork patty and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.
Ok, so now I have to slice the plastic off of 2 sections of this 3 section tray. I turn to my handy Plastic fork and begin doing lunch surgery on my little plastic tray.
WARNING: Plastic forks can be surprisingly sharp! I slice my finger in the process. Good thing I didn’t try to become a Doctor!
Now that I have my tray properly dissected, I turn back to the directions. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. How the HELL am I supposed to turn this thing to HIGH? Again, I’m livin on the edge here. I pop it in the microwave and hit 3-0-0 and start. Easy enough.
Step 2 Stir Potatoes.
3 LONG minutes later, I am instructed to remove the tray from the microwave and Stir the potatoes. This is the section of food about half the size of a deck of cards. I stir a mash of white stuff that is the consistency of a snow cone.
Step 3 Microwave an additional 1 minute 45 seconds to 2 minutes 15 seconds. ; let stand 2 minutes. Carefully remove as Product will be hot.
So which is it? 1:45 or 2:15? I rage against the machine and go with an even split of 2 minutes. (less buttons to push).
And why “product will be hot”? Not “Food will be hot” or “Meal will be hot”????
Hmmmm Yummy!
Eating
I take my “Product” back to my desk, the aroma drifting down the hall, tempting my co-workers with my “freshly cooked product”!
The “Pork Patty” does look like a patty, but does not Look or taste anything like pork.
The mashed potatoes look and taste like watery sand.
The corn surprisingly looks and tastes just like plain corn. I count 27 kernels of corn. Two spoonfuls and it’s gone.
Soda
My $0.17 can of Shasta Kiwi Strawberry Artificially Flavored Soda does NOT disappoint. Hmmm. Deliciously Artificial!
After-Lunch Cigarette
“Oh Dark Mother, Once again I suckle at your smoky teat!” (Gunther: Friends)
The cigarette also does not disappoint. Ahhh, Tar building up in my lungs. Now that’s a good lunch.
I’m going now to dig around in my car and hopefully find a Granola bar under my seat, or at least some cardboard to chew on…….
I’m starving!
So, while looking for Blog topics, I decide to give you a detailed review of my lunch.
(Don’t judge me, you’re the one reading it).
Meal:
1 Frozen Banquet dinner (10.25 OZ)
1 Shasta Kiwi Strawberry
1 After-Lunch Cigarette
Tools:
Plastic Knife, Fork, and Spoon
Shared Lunchroom Microwave
Lighter
1 Legal Sized piece of ruled notepad paper (For use as a napkin)
Frozen Banquet dinner
The box says “Country Fried Pork Meal – Gravy and Breaded Pork Patty with Mashed potatoes and Corn”. Sounds enticing. I immediately notice that the box I pull from the freezer weighs about the same as a paper plate. I seriously doubt this will fill me up.
The front of the box says “KEEP FROZEN COOK THOURGHLY”. I’m not sure how to cook this thing while keeping it frozen, but since this warning is in all capital letters I tend to take it seriously. Also note that beneath the yummy picture on the front in VERY small writing “Serving Suggestion Enlarged to Show Quality”
The Nutrition Facts on the back of the box are as follows:
Serving Size: 1 Meal (One meal for WHO? A newborn? I’ve seen my daughter pack away 4 bowls of Mac & Cheese, and my 5 year old can pack away half a pizza if you let him)
Calories: 420 (is that good or bad? I can’t remember)
Calories from Fat: 210 (half? That can’t be good right?)
Noticeably, the ingredients list is missing. So there is probably no actual pork, potatoes or corn in this thing.
Directions:
I open the box, hungrily read to pop it into the microwave, when I notice the NOTE above the directions.
“Directions developed using 1100 watt microwave oven”
Well. Good for them. How does that help? Am I supposed to know the Wattage rating of my work’s microwave? Dang it! I knew I should always carry my Volt Meter on me!
So, let’s see. One Watt is one Joule of Energy per second. And I seem to remember that Watts = Volts X Amps. So, since the microwave is plugged into a 110V outlet, I know one part of the equation. So how many Amps does this thing use?
Screw it. I’m a rebel. I’ll just wing it and ASSUME that my work’s microwave is the same as the Banquet Laboratory microwave. I like to live life on the edge anyway.
Step 1
Remove film cover from pork patty and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.
Ok, so now I have to slice the plastic off of 2 sections of this 3 section tray. I turn to my handy Plastic fork and begin doing lunch surgery on my little plastic tray.
WARNING: Plastic forks can be surprisingly sharp! I slice my finger in the process. Good thing I didn’t try to become a Doctor!
Now that I have my tray properly dissected, I turn back to the directions. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes. How the HELL am I supposed to turn this thing to HIGH? Again, I’m livin on the edge here. I pop it in the microwave and hit 3-0-0 and start. Easy enough.
Step 2 Stir Potatoes.
3 LONG minutes later, I am instructed to remove the tray from the microwave and Stir the potatoes. This is the section of food about half the size of a deck of cards. I stir a mash of white stuff that is the consistency of a snow cone.
Step 3 Microwave an additional 1 minute 45 seconds to 2 minutes 15 seconds. ; let stand 2 minutes. Carefully remove as Product will be hot.
So which is it? 1:45 or 2:15? I rage against the machine and go with an even split of 2 minutes. (less buttons to push).
And why “product will be hot”? Not “Food will be hot” or “Meal will be hot”????
Hmmmm Yummy!
Eating
I take my “Product” back to my desk, the aroma drifting down the hall, tempting my co-workers with my “freshly cooked product”!
The “Pork Patty” does look like a patty, but does not Look or taste anything like pork.
The mashed potatoes look and taste like watery sand.
The corn surprisingly looks and tastes just like plain corn. I count 27 kernels of corn. Two spoonfuls and it’s gone.
Soda
My $0.17 can of Shasta Kiwi Strawberry Artificially Flavored Soda does NOT disappoint. Hmmm. Deliciously Artificial!
After-Lunch Cigarette
“Oh Dark Mother, Once again I suckle at your smoky teat!” (Gunther: Friends)
The cigarette also does not disappoint. Ahhh, Tar building up in my lungs. Now that’s a good lunch.
I’m going now to dig around in my car and hopefully find a Granola bar under my seat, or at least some cardboard to chew on…….
I’m starving!
Tomorrow's Lunch:
Banquet Rib-shaped Meat!
No comments:
Post a Comment